Scribble

Okay, to hell with it.

I was going to write something sensible. Pour out sufi thoughts over here in line with a heartbreaking mail that I wrote today morning. But honestly I’m tired.

Why is love tiring?

Why can’t we just automatically find our ‘soul mate’ or whoever it is that we are supposed to live with for eternity?

Why do the people you love turn out to be wrong for you?

Born in a different century, Married, Commitment phobics, In a different state of mind or perfect?

More than half the people I know are heartbroken, the other half are love sick. We all have our own issues with love, at times we don’t find our match, sometimes we do but we are scared in our own weird way and drive people away, sometimes our not so better halves run away, infatuations are mistaken for love and at times we just don’t want to.

I’ve been holed up every weekend at home with myself, sure I day dream about falling head over heels in love most of the time but I’m scared. Petrified of putting in that effort, going out on dates, finding people to date, talking on the phone and getting involved in general, new dreams with them making a regular appearance.

Hence, I have decided to not look/search/seek love, if it wants to find me, it would have to pull me out of the pile of blankets that I’m under and convince me to fall back in the trap.

And to those who have given up, its okay to not want to look at the world around in love tinted glasses, its okay to not want to believe in the book romance and its okay to leave matters to fate.

But to all of those who still have their hopes up, may you find the strength to love and not stop seeking for it, may you cage your heart behind steel enclosures and not get hurt. May you find what you are look for.

Because what you seek, is seeking you..

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Of sufi, success, fear and vodka

Its 2 in the night (IST) and I’m 6 shots down, rather 7, actually lost count after the 5th. Its been 5 days since I got the result of my exams, surprisingly I cleared and am now a chartered accountant.

And today it has finally sunk in, and it scared me bad cause all this while I knew where I was headed, not in entirety but atleast had an idea of what I would be doing in the next few months but now I’m completely clueless as to where life is going to plunge in the next few days.

Somehow unsettling, I feel like fear has crept into my heart and has sunk its fangs into my veins. My hands go cold and I have really not able to wrap my head around it, today after days I feel calm and slightly in control. With the hope that even if things take a toss, I’ll have the strength to get around them.

On a completely different note, I read this book long back but this particular word stayed with me for long… Languages are indeed beautiful, the more unknown, the more artistic they seem..

Milestones

The past two days have dragged me down to the depths of my insecurity and beaten me, wallowing in anxiety and uncertainty, all I did is brood and complain with the occasional bouts of tears.

But then someone made me realise that life is made of little milestones, ones that I will clear, albeit they will take their own time, may get delayed too.

But then they are achievable.

Never once did I imagine in my wildest dreams that I would be clueless.

I assumed that things will work their way out, that I would find what I wanted to do with life, that one single driving force which I could turn into my career.

Its when the mental image of my life doesn’t match with what is happening right now that leaves me dazed, confused even because things weren’t supposed to pan out this way.

But then I have now accepted that this is life, sometimes it surprises you, at times pushes you to your limits, some days feel like a breeze and the others like sailing on a rickety boat in stormy seas.

Where we are, what we are, what we do, are all the result of the choices that we make, be it ones that are taken in haste or after deep thought, the intelligent ones or ones that are foolish, ones driven by passion or necessities.

All that we need is a bit of belief, belief that things will get better, that goals are achievable, that things that are destined for you, will be yours, in due time.

Dream in light years.

Challenge Miles.

Walk, Step by Step.

Strength, attractiveness and life

I was born a premature baby and always had some or the other health problem adding to that I was hyper active. To ensure that my time got well spent as well as I developed some sort of immunity (since asthma is a hereditary problem in my family), I was enrolled in a bunch of classes, ranging from music, art, dance, skating and swimming.

Since I was exposed to all of this at a young age, I never had any stage fright and was very outgoing, would take part in almost all the competitions possible and my parents would let me go alone to them too, cause both of them were working and didn’t have the time to run behind me. Independence is something that I was granted at a young age.

But what did happen was, I wasn’t a good looking girl, growing up wasn’t easy, from gaining weight to having a growth spurt and the inevitable acne. Somehow being popular for extracurricular activities did get me recognition but also made me a gullible target. Children at puberty tend to be very mean and I was subjected to a lot of it. Despite being strong, there is always a threshold to one’s pain.

Neither was I a fair nor was waif thin, so what I ultimately became a dusky, healthy and not such a good looking girl. My confidence which I had gathered over the years had taken a major hit. The amount of unnecessary bullying that I had faced for a few years have made me what I am today, strong is the only word to describe the same.

What I did do was develop a thick skin; I managed to set up a wall/shield to protect myself. I never tried to please people, on the other hand silently heard to all the taunts and tried not to lose my temper because I knew it would add to unnecessary complications.

Looking good has always been a touchy topic for me, since then, I hate to have my photographs taken. Fortunately/ unfortunately as the years progressed, my skin cleared up and I started looking better, but I never did anything to make myself look desirable. I had accepted the fact that looks aren’t something that you have in your control; however your personality is something that you can mold.

Since my mother was always hell bent upon the fact that we read and develop our knowledge, my house resembles a mini library. The positive outcome of this was that I knew how to talk about anything and everything had my own set of informed views.

Once I had decided that I had it being sobby, I started giving people a taste of their own medicine. I turned into someone who is cold, rude and mean. Very few people can tell me that they like me at the first instance, I am not a people pleaser; will talk my mind out, no matter how the opposite person feels. And if I did sense that I’m probably going to be bullied or made fun of, I never leave a chance to demean or make the opposite person feel inferior.

I don’t easily let people in my life, always stay guarded, and keep my distance. That would be one of the reasons that I have just 3 friends in all my 23 years of life with whom I can talk openly and whom I trust immensely. I don’t judge a person by how they look, because I know how it feels. I never try to look good because looks no matter one day will leave you but your soul is what is indelible.

I would be lying if I told that guys haven’t chased me, but I never gave them any attention. That is one of the reasons that I manage to scare people off or that they have some fear while talking to me because I give the vibe that sweet talk with me isn’t going to get you anywhere, I try to control who comes in my life and that it is my choice of people with whom I wish to interact

My cold exterior is often mistaken for arrogance. My arrogance is not because I’m good looking, it’s because I’m not. I have for as long as I can remember tried not to give the power to anyone to hurt me, always tried to be in control.

I’m looking out for myself by trying my best not to get hurt, I know it isn’t possible but atleast its worth reducing the chances. I’m still brown skinned and will not use fairness products to attract attention nor try to be likeable, I will not mince my words to be in the good books of others, will not pay any attention to what others feel about me. If they find me desirable their headache, at times I do dress up but that is when I’m in the mood and not for anybody else.

By already letting down my wall once, I know of the pain that I have suffered and still suffering, maybe it will get better with time but till then I will use books as my solace, will read so that I can travel and experience all the things that I have yet to come across. At times I think that I’m stronger than people give me credit for.

mind

A few little wishes

As day today marks the end of the year, the last thing that I want to do is to look back at the year that has gone by. A lot has happened in this year, some good and some painful memories but then that is what makes life.

I’m pretty bad at keeping my resolutions so I make none but will strive to find happiness in the tiniest of things, make the most out of little moments and keep track of them so that it makes me a little bit more grateful in life.

I want my little wishes to get fulfilled, like playing in the snow, have been dreaming about it since ages and ages! Or to silly dance in the rain or to sing my heart out loud or to just wander on the streets during the Sunday second hand book market or to find myself at home with a good book, a quilt and a cup of coffee on a rainy day. 😀

The next year will have its fair share of happiness and sadness. I just wish to be grateful for all that I have and that I’m yet to receive and pray to god for the strength to face troubles and confront situations in times of adversities.

And for the rest of my little blog family or anyone who is reading this, I wish that you get all that you have dreamt of, take steps towards making your dreams turn into reality and know that the dark clouds will hover around for a while but that is what makes you enjoy the warmth of the sun, a bit more. 🙂

Prayer

I’m not particularly devout, its during times of difficulty that I lean on to God, to either show me the right way or to give me strength to get through life. I don’t visit temples regularly nor remember any particular chants, its when days go bad that I can sit and have a conversation with God. Just listing out my troubles, sometimes shifting blame, at times venting out or simply sitting quietly in peace, I don’t require an idol or a prayer or a place to do so.

Usually while travelling if I come across an ambulance with a blaring siren, I make it a point to say a silent prayer, to hope that God does save who’s life is in danger, its a habit that I don’t know how I picked up but its been the same since the past 10 years or so. Sometimes I come across people who are physically handicapped or in pain and I say a prayer for them too, just hoping that God eases their pain and gives them strength.

Someone I know, noticed this and laughed at me, questioning whether this was a just a show and that what difference would it actually make to someone, some random person.I didn’t answer, just because I didn’t want to dignify his question by a response.

I remember Pa telling us repeatedly that service to mankind is greater than service to God, that all the money that we spend on buying coconuts, flowers and incense sticks would be able to buy a needy a meal or a chocolate to bring a smile on a child’s face. I know that my prayer however small or little or unnoticeable may not bring any impact on someone’s life, but I don’t care, I genuinely feel that maybe my prayer may make a difference, though I can’t make a real contribution but if God does listen to me and makes it work then nothing better than it.

When we (me and my sister) were a couple of 5 year olds, Pa had told us that at the end of our life, when we die, we are assigned to either hell or heaven. The person who decided the same was Chitragupt, a man of God who kept track of all the good and bad things that we did in a register, we got awarded positive points for the good and negative points for the bad, the one who got lot of good points went to heaven and the one with the least points went to hell.

That story was motivation enough for us to try and do our bit of good, though initially for selfish reason but that slowly got culminated into a habit.

A long time back I read this line from the Bhagwad Gita and it stayed back with me-

कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन।
मा कर्मफलहेतुर्भूर्मा ते सङ्गोऽस्त्वकर्मणि॥

Roughly translated in english it means – ‘You have the right to perform your actions,but you are not entitled to the fruits of the actions.Do not let the fruit be the purpose of your actions, and therefore you won’t be attached to not doing your duty’.

Closure

Closure as they say is important, but today after talking to him, I just realized that all the good memories that I had are now replaced by the bitterness of the words that he spoke. On my friends’ insistence and after thinking about it a lot, I decided to have one final conversation with him. We spoke for 9 minutes and he hardly said anything, it was me all along with my choking voice and tears, but his indifference spoke volumes.

I know I’m an angry person, I get angry and have a real short temper but that cools off as quickly as it rises too, despite this I never intentionally try to hurt the other person and if I did then I make sure to apologize relentlessly to make up for it and then there is him. He never gets angry but is cold and mean, not that he isn’t loving and caring or was all of that, or that should have been my misconception about him.

It was a month odd back that I last spoke to him, not that we broke it off completely then but the way he spoke and the tone and words told me that this was done with, further I didn’t want to be with someone who spoke to me this way, despite me doing everything to make life easier for him. If he told me that he was busy, I wouldn’t call or text and this would go on for weeks since I know that he loves his job and that it requires all his attention. Adding to that I had my exams and I didn’t want my mental stability to get affected so I thought of putting it on pause till I could afford to give it my complete attention.

Now I’m hurt and wounded, all my ideas about how he was the ideal person has been reduced to dust, I remember how my friends told me always that they would love to have someone like him. Now that I think about it I have understood that I always spoke of the nice in him and rarely the not-so-nice parts of his persona.

It shocks me to think that two months back he was planning a visit to my city, a day after my birthday so that atleast if not on time, we would celebrate it a day later and I told him not to come because his travel plans itself sounded so tiring, that too for 3 days and then he would have to make the tiring journey to get back to his place, again. Trying to cover 1500 kms in a day isn’t an easy thing to do and I understood that.

Every time that we would have a fight, be it my fault or his, I would try to mend it and now I’m done with being taken for granted and being someone who would willingly give up her self-respect for the sake of keeping up a relationship. I have decided to burn that last bridge between us and now I want to be free of this feeling of pain and hurt. No doubt it will take time and patience but I just hope that I have the strength to do so.

please-say-you-love-me-too

I’m done feeling this way!