I was born a premature baby and always had some or the other health problem adding to that I was hyper active. To ensure that my time got well spent as well as I developed some sort of immunity (since asthma is a hereditary problem in my family), I was enrolled in a bunch of classes, ranging from music, art, dance, skating and swimming.
Since I was exposed to all of this at a young age, I never had any stage fright and was very outgoing, would take part in almost all the competitions possible and my parents would let me go alone to them too, cause both of them were working and didn’t have the time to run behind me. Independence is something that I was granted at a young age.
But what did happen was, I wasn’t a good looking girl, growing up wasn’t easy, from gaining weight to having a growth spurt and the inevitable acne. Somehow being popular for extracurricular activities did get me recognition but also made me a gullible target. Children at puberty tend to be very mean and I was subjected to a lot of it. Despite being strong, there is always a threshold to one’s pain.
Neither was I a fair nor was waif thin, so what I ultimately became a dusky, healthy and not such a good looking girl. My confidence which I had gathered over the years had taken a major hit. The amount of unnecessary bullying that I had faced for a few years have made me what I am today, strong is the only word to describe the same.
What I did do was develop a thick skin; I managed to set up a wall/shield to protect myself. I never tried to please people, on the other hand silently heard to all the taunts and tried not to lose my temper because I knew it would add to unnecessary complications.
Looking good has always been a touchy topic for me, since then, I hate to have my photographs taken. Fortunately/ unfortunately as the years progressed, my skin cleared up and I started looking better, but I never did anything to make myself look desirable. I had accepted the fact that looks aren’t something that you have in your control; however your personality is something that you can mold.
Since my mother was always hell bent upon the fact that we read and develop our knowledge, my house resembles a mini library. The positive outcome of this was that I knew how to talk about anything and everything had my own set of informed views.
Once I had decided that I had it being sobby, I started giving people a taste of their own medicine. I turned into someone who is cold, rude and mean. Very few people can tell me that they like me at the first instance, I am not a people pleaser; will talk my mind out, no matter how the opposite person feels. And if I did sense that I’m probably going to be bullied or made fun of, I never leave a chance to demean or make the opposite person feel inferior.
I don’t easily let people in my life, always stay guarded, and keep my distance. That would be one of the reasons that I have just 3 friends in all my 23 years of life with whom I can talk openly and whom I trust immensely. I don’t judge a person by how they look, because I know how it feels. I never try to look good because looks no matter one day will leave you but your soul is what is indelible.
I would be lying if I told that guys haven’t chased me, but I never gave them any attention. That is one of the reasons that I manage to scare people off or that they have some fear while talking to me because I give the vibe that sweet talk with me isn’t going to get you anywhere, I try to control who comes in my life and that it is my choice of people with whom I wish to interact
My cold exterior is often mistaken for arrogance. My arrogance is not because I’m good looking, it’s because I’m not. I have for as long as I can remember tried not to give the power to anyone to hurt me, always tried to be in control.
I’m looking out for myself by trying my best not to get hurt, I know it isn’t possible but atleast its worth reducing the chances. I’m still brown skinned and will not use fairness products to attract attention nor try to be likeable, I will not mince my words to be in the good books of others, will not pay any attention to what others feel about me. If they find me desirable their headache, at times I do dress up but that is when I’m in the mood and not for anybody else.
By already letting down my wall once, I know of the pain that I have suffered and still suffering, maybe it will get better with time but till then I will use books as my solace, will read so that I can travel and experience all the things that I have yet to come across. At times I think that I’m stronger than people give me credit for.