Words

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Was given these words by a friend, sometimes that is all we have..

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Perspective

You squint your eyes to look ahead, long winding road, black shining tar, sweltering heat. And then you turn back, look at the miles that you’ve covered. Half wondering how you reached where you reached, you can’t see the pit stops, all a daze, the sky and earth blend, grey and bright.

But you keep walking, running, in a make-believe race. Your bones hurt, your soul questions, but you never wake up. And then you think of how would it be if you quit. Just walked off that road and sat down on the sidewalk, refusing and bobbing your head no, to all questions asked.

But there is no side walk, so you walk, fatigue ripping apart all your dreams and hope.

Have faith, breathe. Sometimes that is all we can do. I have often wondered where and how do people end up and the past few years have taught me that sometimes you have to believe that there are things written for you, fate, destiny or position of stars. Sometimes circumstances take the decisions that we are too scared to make, that carry the burden of being indecisive.

You don’t need to climb any mountain to enjoy the view, to reap the fruits of your hard work, to put in 30 years of numbness to watch your account balance swell.

Stay. Still, calm. Let your lungs breathe. Smile, as often as you can. And look up.

Out of all the lives you could live, as what you could be born, you’re here. Of all the inhabitable universes, here you are on Earth, with a blue sky above your head, with a heart that pumps blood relentlessly never giving up hope on you. So that you don’t.

For those reading this, its easy to quit, its easy to concentrate and read all that is wrong, its easy to run on the well trodden road. You aren’t here to do all that others have done earlier, chart your own course, satisfy your desires, do what you want, wish others well, from your heart, take a learning from everyday and thank someone, anyone, give a hand to pull someone who needs it, give a shoulder to lean on, sometimes all that any of us want to

Clarity – Over the clouds

In the last post I had posed a question, one that had many answers. Some said a hard yes, others a feeble no, and a meek maybe.
Well last week, I had gone for a training to another city and what did happen there gave me the time to think, actually take a walk, feel the wind caress my skin and let all the thoughts settle into an organised chaos.
For all 3 days I woke up with a pit in my stomach, half nauseous of the incredibly long day that lay ahead. And I did cry too, wailed like a two year old just cause I wanted to cry amidst all that confusion.
But one thing that did turn around was the clarity of my thoughts, realizing that most things in life boil down to a single choice, yes or no, and its consequences whatever that they may be. I met people whom I last spoke to donkey years ago, had a merry time with the food, rains and music. Also managed to catch a stand-up comedy show last sunday, something that I wanted to do for long.
So this is it maybe, my decision that hit me when I was in tears during a telephone call, just over whelmed with all had happened and was happening, I decided to stay. Till the time I no longer can fight.
So let this be a challenge, let it push me to the extent that it can, let me make more opportunities to learn and grow and trip and fall. Cause sometimes you need a push and learn from experiences.

As much as I would want comfort and long nights with nothing to do, sheepishly I admit that I like the rush of finding something new, the uncomfortable itch of not knowing.
I had a long talk with someone wiser beyond years who made me realise that its okay to feel that you aren’t good at something, no one automatically is good at things, skill sets get built, but the moment you start feeling that your job is easy, easier to get through, and monotonous that is when you should listen to the sirens but not when you have to put a fight everyday.
And here I am, 6 months wiser maybe, stronger than what I was, I’m sure the ride isn’t going to be easy but all I can do is grind my teeth, clutch the handlebars, and not get off the roller-coaster.
I’m immensely grateful for the advice that I’ve received on this blog, of the support and the mails and texts. This couldn’t be done without all of you, my own set of guardian angels.
And the fact that I met an incredibly handsome man on a pool ride two days ago, with the perfect smile and the pause when he spoke, the depth in his voice, the calmness of his expressions, his mid conversation laugh, the checkered sweater he wore, all terribly heartbreaking. Helped me get perspective on the much needed important things in life 😉

Questions

Have you ever questioned everything that you do/ have done?

Off-late I’ve been having this sneaky feeling, I have this tiny voice inside of me that has been screaming at me that I’m probably not great at what I do. The thing being that being good enough has never just sufficed for me.

Since childhood I’ve learnt that practice makes one perfect, hence whenever and where ever I managed to get stuck, I’d put my heart in it and practice. And because I’ve had pretty less experience work wise and most of what I did till now is study, this system worked wonders.

Almost 6 months into this field of work and I can see my confidence wilt and wither away. Every assignment is different, and with each of them, I’m barely managing to keep my head above the water or whatever it is supposed to be.

I like the field, its interesting, challenging but maybe I’m not cut out for it. Like the time you know something is great but its maybe not just yet meant for you.

In the effort to keep trying, I’m getting burned out. From putting in long hours (really really long ones) to talking about different techniques with others, trying to learn the various aspects of things, I’m falling in this pit of unhappiness.

The point that eats me up from within is that I want to be good at what I do, no not just good, great. If I am putting in all this time and effort, then it should be for something worthy, right? Some universal input – output law.

Pushing myself this hard has left me with absolutely no time, and if that isn’t the case then the lack of energy/motivation to do something else. To try and have a life outside and beyond work, to not constantly be in my head.

I’ve spoken to people about this, of shifting lanes into pursuing something else in the creative field or really building my skills in terms of what comes easier to me and that I feel is my inherent quality (communication/writing?). On the other spectrum is the crowd that say that I should stay, for learning ropes of this business atleast a year would make it count. Six more months seem far too long, but I honestly don’t know what to do.

Slightly at my wits end, I haven’t really got any feedback as such on my work, so do I take that and then decide where it is that I’m headed or just make a mad run out of this for whatever it is that I supposedly maybe headed for?

With all the doubting and second guessing and multiple time checking of what it is that I do, I have managed to stress myself really badly. Have a swarm of negative thoughts on what if situations. And hence I’ve been listening to positive thinking videos on a loop.

Frankly speaking, I’m terrified deep within. The not knowing thing is scary. Will I be stuck doing something that I’m not good at? Am I running out of time to make that choice? Do I stay or go? and if I do run, run to what?

 

Ex and Why

This is me going off on a late night babbling spree, proceed at your own risk.

I’m one of those girls who firmly believe that you can’t stay friendly with an ex, too many memories, plus the risk that some feelings may have never died and you definitely don’t want to be ambushed by them. Additionally it’s slightly painful to listen to their love stories with someone else, that realization that you’ve been replaced and I’m an over competitive person who goes by the notion that in every break up, there is one party that wins and the other that sulks and stays miserable (cue my entry).

A while back though, pushed and prodded by the ex, I tried to stay in touch with the penultimate ex, for the sake of convenience let’s call him Y. Now as all my relationships go, wherein out of four, I’ve been cheated on thrice and I really hope the third time does the trick and I no more have to deal with this ordeal again. Anyhow back to the point, I and Y had it bad, petty fights and stupid insults for a year and then I put my foot down, sure the both of us were mature enough to manage a cordial conversation at the least.

And from that instant it got better, we have a typical no expectations from each other working, talk only if we want to, also talk about what went wrong, with me going back to calling him names, and he accepting his mistakes and pulling my leg too in that process, things have never been better.

Similarly with the first boyfriend, though he is in a separate continent right now, we have pretty much managed to turn into familiar strangers. An occasional hello email, or wishing each other on birthdays to not clamming/cringing on the mention of the few memories we made, though I do have to state that I steer clear of the songs that he would always sing when we were together, still jump channels and skip those particular songs. I did make the effort though of sitting through them once but it wasn’t just worth it, plus never appealed to my music sense.

With the one that happened between the first ever and Y, things have been slightly weird. We don’t talk to each other regularly and I can’t remember when his birthday is for the love of god but he manages to wish me every year and sends me on a guilt trip. And there is the resolution daze that happens come December where you promise to be the better person and forgive and forget, hence we promise to stay in touch but as soon as the calendar hits January, all of it goes into the trash.

But the major reason of why I’ve come to write my thoughts on the internet, is him.

As pathetic as it may sound, I want to be friends with this guy, for a lot of reasons he was good for me. Kept me in my head, calmed me down, and for pure selfish reasons though I’d definitely be hurting but his presence is very stabilizing, that came off wrong but you get it right? That general feeling when you have a bad day at work but as soon as you enter the lane where you live, all of it peels away, knowing that you can sulk and brood and lick your wounds and recover to fight another day.

Much to the disappointment of everyone out here who has read me crib about this for almost a year and a half, I called him yesterday, and he didn’t take the call. Though he did send me a text that accused me of calling him at times when I knew that he’d be asleep, questioning me what purpose my calls did serve.

Here’s the thing, not everything has to serve a purpose. Sometimes you want to have to do something just for the heck of it, no meaning attached. And what is the big deal in having a I-won’t-strangle-you-to-death-and-let’s-be-familiar-strangers kind of a relationship with someone?!

I’m terribly bad at being a friend which makes me the ideal candidate for such a relationship!

I don’t text or call my friends obsessively, no hello messages, if there was a favour to ask or just a one off conversation that I feel like having, I call! It’s pretty cheap and there is no stupid slack in the conversation, you could always camouflage the silence or awkward pauses with a lame I just remembered I have something to do excuse and needn’t call them back till you don’t feel like. Texting leaves behind documentary proof, and well who remembers the tiny details of every telephone conversation?

The point of this post is to pose a question, with the X being an unknown, does adding another variable Why help? Do we just let things be in the past or extend an olive branch?

Or follow the age old ex rule – Neither forgotten nor forgiven.

Find your way home

The place where you can prance around in your pajamas, tie your hair in a bun and drag yourself off the floor.
Where you can slump into the couch and watch reruns for hours while immersing your sorrow in a tub of chocolate ice cream.

When breakfast can be had at 1, lunch at 5, dinner at 12 and a piece of dense chocolate cake at 3 in the morning, cause it ain’t never to late to have dessert.

But is that what a home is supposed to mean?

So, go out.

Meet new people, even if you want to stay holed up in your pillows and quilt.
Stand in the sun, and feel the warmth on your face though all that you feel within is damp, cold.

Talk, laugh and smile, practice. And with time the lump in your throat when someone asks about him, the stabbing pain will get pushed away, deep down, somewhere. That is all what you need for now and let time work its way out.

Home is a place to rest.
We are too young to be this sad, tired and worn out, no?