اکثر (Aksar: Often)

I find myself being pushed out of sleep, deep at night,

A faint cry of time, an abandoned dream, a lost star.

Pulling the quilt over my head, I remind myself to breathe,

In ones, twos and threes.

One

A song I learnt long back, a decade and a half between the times,

The rhythm and words difficult to roll over my tongue,

A particular antara always managed to throw me off,

When I sang, I ran out of breath midway.

Every night I listened to my music teacher sing, on a cassette, in an old walkman,

Rewinding the tape with my fingers and letting the shruti flow.

Late one night at the ninth attempt, I figured her trick.

One sharp breath in the beginning and to pause at the right places,

The music magically took over, and she let her heart sing.

When I feel overwhelmed, I sing this song, to breathe easier.

Two

A few years back while studying I realised that no amount of cramming could help me,

The concepts flew over my head and all I wanted to do was, raise my hands and walk away.

Which is what I did.

I shut the books, made myself a tall glass of chai and looked out of the balcony,

Watched the traffic make its way through the narrow arterial lane,

Tiny marigold flowers, bright orange and yellow resting against the lazy creepers,

The sun set in all its glory, calling the birds and bread winners alike.

And for once, in a long time I slept, for fourteen hours straight.

I woke up in the morning and thought to myself, what was the worse that would happen if I fail?

I walked out in the balcony with the question, to breathe in some air and sunshine, and the question answered itself,

Nothing.

A moment of surreal clarity amidst chaos.

Three

There was a time when the pain was much to bear,

I can’t quantify the time, sometimes it seems like yesterday and during others, a previous lifetime,

One that reddened my eyes, choked my throat, brought tears and anger bubbling right beneath my skin.

Everytime I felt I couldn’t, I would remind myself to breathe and repeat,

This too shall pass.

A stab turned to sear, slowly became a dull throb and now is blue and numb.

And that’s okay, for maybe time heals all.

 

 

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Of lists of love and hate

I was nominated by the lovely prajakta for the love-hate challenge, and here goes my list!

Ten things that I love –

  • Shahrukh Khan, the love of my life and I pretty much objectify him so he has to top this list! I love this man, to the moon and back.
  • The tingle that I feel when I read a romantic conversation between two protagonists in a book, needn’t be entirely romantic, witty flirting works too.
  • Reading a book over a cup of coffee in a fortress of pillows and blankets while it’s raining outside.
  • A cup of strong chai after a long day at work.
  • Chocolate/ice cream/ brownies/ cake (you get the gist, right?) on the days that I feel like nothing is in my favour, to just take a big bite of it and surrender for the day. Or ponder on life’s problems over a plate of steaming hot pav-bhaji, chocolate milkshake and dahi puri 😛
  • Long late night conversations and jamming sessions.
  • Handwritten letters.
  • The hindi songs of the 60s and 70s, because there can be no voice more melodious than Rafi’s or Mukesh’s or for that reason Kishore Kumar too!
  • Watching the latest Bollywood releases, I try to catch up on almost every decently watchable movie alone and then manage to sing all the songs out loud 😛 Yeah, if you have heard your neighbour annoyingly singing the songs in the theatre, there is a very high chance that we have already met 😀
  • To finish what I had planned for the day, that feeling of achievement when I tick things off my to-do lists.

Ten things that I hate –

  • People who spit and litter.
  • Not saying please and thank you while asking/ after taking favours/things.
  • When small talk is made just for asking a favour, why beat around the bush?!
  • Extra chirpy people when you are discussing extremely sad events. If you don’t bring your sad stories or chocolate and its cousins to the table, please don’t even bother!
  • Not finding things at the moment that I need them, the rest of the time the damn things keep running around creating a mess!
  • People who don’t respect others, be it anyone, rich or poor, pretty or ugly. It takes a little to give someone else the dignity that they deserve.
  • When people knowingly cross limits, be it in relationships or friendships.
  • When we don’t realise that it takes little to make a difference, if people like us try and act helpless when all it takes is to raise your voice or make a little donation, as much as it costs for a cup of coffee at a fancy place.
  • When people throw stones or harass street dogs.
  • Eve teasers.

And I nominate –

Principessa

Behen

Himanshu

Gail

Mallee stanley

Ady

Roopal

Rob

Izza Ifzaal

baby steps 😛

Kriti

Blur

Some days remain frozen in time, some memories stay etched in your mind forever, and some people, no matter how hard you try to push them away, hide in a deep dark corner of your heart, not yet ready to vacate.

You sat on a plastic chair, sipping your tea and making lesson plans while I poured myself over my books. It had been raining since morning, it drizzled, poured and then angrily growled, lashing false threats to cause more rain. Suddenly out of the blue, you get up, check the weather outside and declare that we were going out for a long drive.

Almost shrieking and jumping, I immediately abandon my books, quickly change and run towards the door while you hold a look of pure amusement on your face, the lopsided smile and the sunflower bright yellow t-shirt. And all the time that we were on the drive, I got a barrage of instructions, from putting on the seatbelt to not lowering the window’s glass further.

We were on the expressway, owing to the weather, it was scarcely crowded, and there was a nip in the air. Just when you tried to adjust your seatbelt, we drove over a huge puddle of water at full speed. Splash!

There was water everywhere, like a fountain for 15 seconds, and we looked at each other, in shock and then laughed, and laughed till our cheeks hurt.

It rained today, quite heavily and as I was going to class, out of nowhere a car came alongside and zoomed by, splashing water everywhere. At that moment when I laughed, I could remember the laugh from that day ringing in my ears. Like it was just yesterday that it all happened.

I read a lot of things about love and the beauty of its poetic pain, but the truth is that this pain comes in various forms, sometimes a twinge, at times a bitterness, a tug at your heart and on other days, just an avalanche that drowns out everything else.

I have learnt that there is nothing beautiful about this pain, what it does is remind you of a time, one that has passed a long time back. All you can do some days, is push past the pain, slap on a smile and try to be strong.


Was listening to this song while writing the post, some songs just sing your heart

http://gaana.com/song/hearbeat-from-kal-ho-naa-ho

Cloudgazer

Someday, instead of moon gazing or star gazing, try being a cloudgazer.

Plug out your earphones while you travel and watch the endless roads pass by, ones that dress themselves to be alluring by naming themselves, ‘the roads less travelled’.

Or the endless sky of clouds, that look over you, being constant yet ever changing, much like life itself.

 

Sometimes let that child inside you take over, spend your journeys trying to make out things from shapeless clouds.

Or crane your neck out and embrace the sun, feel the wind in your hair and smile a bit brighter.

 

Someday, be more heart.

5555

 

For you 🙂

Conversations

What is it about conversations that instantly make you feel better?

The ones that aren’t necessarily ridden with words, but at times with silence, at other times with songs or sometimes just one’s reassuring presence, sitting alongside you, across the floor.

And conversations end up making a lot of sense when it is with the right person.

One who listens to you vent and sob like an inconsolable child, scream and shout in frustration and angst, debate and fight with you about your opinions, who smacks across your head (with words) when you do something foolish, gives you career advice, stays mum and in silence across the other end of the phone call when you don’t feel like talking, sings songs to cheer you up, makes future biking trip plans, shares their fears with you knowing that you will gladly be their soundboard, who takes your call at 3 am despite being asleep and gives you company because you have something bothering you, who gladly agrees to be your partner if you don’t get married by 32 , who will not protect you but will instead will tell you to wear your heart on your sleeve, get bruised, hurt and learn lessons because experience is what makes a person who and what they are; one who doesn’t think twice before calling you an idiot if you act like one and has a philosophical yet bordering on crazy talk with you on all the topics under the sun.

These are the conversations that make you feel liberated, give you strength and company during dire times, feel like the wind beneath your wings, make for fond memories and your world, immeasurably happier and brighter.

Such people are truly a gift to have; they can be found at some nook, corner or bunker of the world. Like the old bookstore around the corner, the smell of freshly roasted coffee beans, of the earth after it rains, or the sound of dhak at durga puja, transporting you back to a place like home and into your own little treasure trove of memories.

I have absolutely no clue on what I would have done without you, actually surprised as to how I managed a good 20 years of my life without you.

This is for you, because you are more than what anyone could have ever been for me.

My 2/3/4 am Friend. My Pizza sharer, Ice cream hogger. My Radio. My mood uplifter. My Sound board. My Psychologist. My Travel Partner. My Life Line. My Compass. My Person.

When anger strikes..

I was furious with rage yesterday, which was why I didn’t write. Since the past few days, every single night I have been dreaming about him, we have long conversations about why is it that he left and that is partly driving me crazy because I seem to remember most of them and I start getting angry thinking about it, the hurt and pain is a separate thing all together.

Anyhow since my childhood, I have been very famous for my rage. If there is a definition for being short tempered then it’s me. Pa would tell Ma to put the cooker on my head when I would get angry so that the rice would cook faster since I’m hot headed 😛 😀 And when I get angry, I stop talking, completely cut off from people because I know that one wrong word and I spew venom.

Which is what I did yesterday and a few beneficial ways in which I spent my time are:

Sleep: There is a very popular and true saying that a long sleep and a good laugh are the best remedies to any problem J And I followed it rigorously by waking up in the afternoon 😛

Television: I started watching game of thrones 3 days back and I’m addicted to it! Also mentally kicking myself as to why I never watched it earlier. I finished two entire seasons yesterday and started the 3rd season too! 😀 Still sad as to why they killed Ned Starke 😥

Cook: Strangely I find cooking to be calming and relaxing. With some good music in the background and recipes from Tarla Dalal, it is my definition of chilling out! 😀

Books: This has to be the remedy to vouch for since it was one of the coldest days yesterday at Hyderabad, I curled in a corner under a quilt with a hot cup of coffee (I make the best coffee-self proclamation! 😛 )but couldn’t do much reading since the words started dancing in my head because of my anger and I couldn’t concentrate additionally Game of thrones was enforcing its magnetic pull on me 😛

Eat: This doesn’t need any explanation 😛 😀 I had an absolutely delicious chocolate pastry and a five star and I’m not going to crib about my diet going right out of the window because I’m pretty sure that it can only stay out of the window 😀

Music: If there is one man who can set my mood when I feel low, its undoubtedly Arijit Singh, his amazing silk like voice that melts like chocolate is music to my soul, that is apart from SRK’s rendition of a poem from a movie of his, and this would probably trump everything else, chocolates included 😀

I have included the links for the same as Jann Kalyan Seva (roughly translates to – for public benefit) 😀

And I feel good staying away from people, from the internet, from my phone. Sometimes all you need is maybe a bit of peace to gather your thoughts and make you feel sane again..