I have been having the urge to just run away from everyone and everything around me. To just step out of the life that I’m living. To stand out and see my life as it passes by.

To vanish, sublimate, disappear.

I celebrated my birthday in obscurity, in the midst of a forest where there was no cell reception, no internet, no electronic devices. Ample amount of sunshine, star gazing, dense forests, incessant chirping of birds, campfires and books, blankets and blankness.

Then I rang in the new year in a city that I fell in love with, mostly ate bun maska, watched the sun set, the leaves of calendar turn, the sea as the world went past, of singing at 1 in the night and not a care about what next.

And since I’ve been back, the only thing that I can think of is to run away. I don’t know to what, to whom, with whom, where, when, how, why. So many questions. And just no answers.

I zone out with people who talk relentlessly, sit cradling a cup of strong chai and just stare into space wondering if I’ll ever feel the rush of something, whether I’ll feel something maybe ever fall in love, the lala land type, if the pain will ever go away.

I stare at the fan above and remember the ceilings of all the rooms I’ve ever slept in, some I’ve spent hours staring at in the darkness, some have been marred by tears streaming down my eyes, finding their way and disappearing in my hair, some of them have the loudest laughs, the chorus singing and most of them with books with dog eared pages perched on my chest lost deep in thought.

This year there will be some and then more..


The Chosen One


She sat in silence for a minute and then continued to recollect her horror story.

Merely 15 years old, her life was scarred, with acid.

Of how a man who was brother like, couldn’t take no for an answer.

After all how dare she refuse him?

She spoke of how in the crowded Khan Market one fateful day,

Her face was set on fire for saying no.

How her skin melted and dripped like melting plastic.

How no one came forward to help her.

She questioned herself, why me?

But then she found hope.

The gods albeit a long time ago,

To banish a demon, combined their forces and created an all-powerful warrior.

One magnificent woman with ten hands and blessed her with their special weapons.

They called her “The Chosen One”.

The acid corroded her skin but not her spirit.

She managed to rise, to become a voice for many other victims.

Maybe in this life for bringing hope to many others,

She was crowned “The Chosen One”.

The picture is of an idol of Ma Durga at home, I took the photo on my Ma’s phone.

The text after the image is my tribute to Laxmi, an Acid Attack Survivor. Her story talks about remarkable strength and courage, she continues to raise awareness on acid attacks on other young girls.

Do check out the website of an organization that works for these women –

The video that inspired me to write about this:

Give me that baseball bat already!

How would your life be different if you were incapable of feeling fear? Would your life be better or worse than it is now?

If I was incapable of feeling fear all together, I would end up making a huge massacre on the streets. Thrashing every guy who winks, leers, stares, tries to touch me, sings songs and the likes. Most times I give them a threatening glare to back off and at times shout but if I were completely fearless then I would end up resorting to violence and breaking their very jaw or beating the daylights out of them.

At times I wish I could swing a baseball bat and topple the guys on bikes who tease and try to touch and break their bones with it later on. Most of my fear is due to the concern about safety that my ma has ingrained deep till inside my bones.

I wish just not me but many other women like me become completely fearless and try to stop these incidents. Its better to nip cases like these in the bud before then snowball in horrendous things like murder, acid attacks and rapes.

Sharing an incident:

This happened to me about 3 years ago. I was walking back home on the main road which has a junction at some distance and a few arterial lanes. People on the bikes usually try to travel in the opposite direction through the lanes to get to the signal because if they do follow the traffic rules, they would have to travel a few metres more for the U Turn.

Just as I was crossing through one of those lanes, 2 guys come out of nowhere on their bikes screech right in front of me, almost about to hit me, look at my terrified expression and laugh loudly. Since I got super pissed I hurled out a few abuses loudly and continued walking, within a few minutes I hear loud honking of vehicles.

As I turn back I see the guys have now got their friends and stop my way and ask me what did I just say. I repeated what I said and asked them as to why they were irritating me for no reason and made my way to continue walking. They kept following and blocking my way, and mind you all this in broad daylight with a bus stop and a junction where the traffic police are present nearby.

I got into the lane that leads to my home and since the apartment where I stay is quite a walk, I took refuge in one of the random buildings and hid in the parking lot. I requested the watchmen to not let those guys in since they stood right in front of the building and kept honking. They stayed there for what seemed like ages to me while I tried to remain calm, my heart pounding loud and my head in a mess.

I managed to dial my parent’s number but they weren’t at home and I must have sat there for an hour and didn’t leave till my ma didn’t come to get me home. Since that day my ma has warned me against opening my mouth and shouting back purely because the consequences can be anything.

I still remember what she told me, “It is better to stay alive and safe and rant about this than back answer and get killed and raped, atleast you have a voice now.”

A similar incident happened to earlier too, you can read about it here.

What I want for anyone who reads this is to feel fearless, to know that despite the bad if atleast one of us makes an effort to curb these acts, your place becomes safer. If not for anything else you can save someone else from facing what you have faced.