اکثر (Aksar: Often)

I find myself being pushed out of sleep, deep at night,

A faint cry of time, an abandoned dream, a lost star.

Pulling the quilt over my head, I remind myself to breathe,

In ones, twos and threes.

One

A song I learnt long back, a decade and a half between the times,

The rhythm and words difficult to roll over my tongue,

A particular antara always managed to throw me off,

When I sang, I ran out of breath midway.

Every night I listened to my music teacher sing, on a cassette, in an old walkman,

Rewinding the tape with my fingers and letting the shruti flow.

Late one night at the ninth attempt, I figured her trick.

One sharp breath in the beginning and to pause at the right places,

The music magically took over, and she let her heart sing.

When I feel overwhelmed, I sing this song, to breathe easier.

Two

A few years back while studying I realised that no amount of cramming could help me,

The concepts flew over my head and all I wanted to do was, raise my hands and walk away.

Which is what I did.

I shut the books, made myself a tall glass of chai and looked out of the balcony,

Watched the traffic make its way through the narrow arterial lane,

Tiny marigold flowers, bright orange and yellow resting against the lazy creepers,

The sun set in all its glory, calling the birds and bread winners alike.

And for once, in a long time I slept, for fourteen hours straight.

I woke up in the morning and thought to myself, what was the worse that would happen if I fail?

I walked out in the balcony with the question, to breathe in some air and sunshine, and the question answered itself,

Nothing.

A moment of surreal clarity amidst chaos.

Three

There was a time when the pain was much to bear,

I can’t quantify the time, sometimes it seems like yesterday and during others, a previous lifetime,

One that reddened my eyes, choked my throat, brought tears and anger bubbling right beneath my skin.

Everytime I felt I couldn’t, I would remind myself to breathe and repeat,

This too shall pass.

A stab turned to sear, slowly became a dull throb and now is blue and numb.

And that’s okay, for maybe time heals all.

 

 

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Breeze

You creep through my window in the mornings,
Carrying with you the melody of azaan.

Sometimes you make neem branches sway in delight,
A faint perfume and dot tiny white flowers on my window sill.

During monsoons you decide to play a prankster,
Tangle branches with electricity wires,
And push the city into darkness, tip-tap of the rain and glistening of the streets,
A blanket of stars envelope the city, bringing in a cold gush,
You set the weather, for books, quilts, and long telephone calls.

Most mornings I mutter angrily on your doings,
Of how with one swish you manage to push the curtains over bottles of lotion,
Petite bottles that lean against the mirror and adorn the wooden table,
Into a tumbling mess, half scattered and half that send me scattering away,
To search for my kohl pencil that happily glided under the dresser.

But the day before, overcome by the laziness that holidays bring along,
I stood in front of the window and not the mirror for a change,
Brushed aside the curtains to have a taste of what calm feels like,
Of the slight breeze that glanced my face, warmth of the sun that caressed my soul.

It taught me a thing or two while passing by,
Some days take a pause, just stay still, let the worries settle,
We have a long life ahead, to crib and shout, dash and run without a second glance,
But today, stand for a moment longer, five more minutes is all I ask,
To feel alive, one moment a day.

Let Me Go

Let Me Go

Love as much mends, breaks.

Breaks hearts, habits, fills cracks, and creates more, hurricane of happiness and cyclone of sadness.

We could sit and fight on whose fault it was that things ended,

Mine, Yours or Circumstances?

 

Let Me Go

For I have learnt many a lesson, broken trust, shards of glass that still manage to hurt,

And so I have learnt to breathe, again. To take one day at a time.

That time will never heal wounds, you learn to live with the pain,

Until it becomes a part of you, nestled right under your skin.

 

Let Me Go

And despite what has happened, I still love you,

Some part of me, in some corner of my heart.

But in a different way, one I can’t explain.

You see, love can’t just be stopped,

Like energy, it can neither be created nor destroyed, all it does is take another form.

 

Let Me Go

I feel like I’m not the same person I knew a year ago,

All changed, yet the same,

Like one day I woke up and remembered you, us as two people in a separate lifetime.

 

Let Me Go

Sleepless nights, tear stained pillows and cheeks,

All in 23 years, I have cried maybe a handful times, such was my strength.

This time something broke, and here I was alone, grappling in a flood of emotions,

On the surface, to this day no matter how bad the pain, I manage a smile.

It’s strange that I miss the sound of my laugh, that loud carefree one.

 

Let Me Go

Funny thing sadness is, it makes you kinder,

Capable of listening to others, truly listening to their problems.

Forces you to feel, unlock that Pandora’s Box,

Enough of being an escape artist, it coaxes.

 

Let Me Go

With you some part of me got lost, broke, withered and died,

Even after the lies, indifference, hurt,

Maybe the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Life

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Travel a million miles and meet a thousand people,

Live a life without destinations but never forget your way back home.

Dance, even if you have two left feet.

Sing, even if you are tone deaf.

Jump, hop, skip, run, stumble, tumble and fall,

But never forget to get up.

Breathe. Feel. Touch. Laugh. Live.


I rediscovered my love for crayons with this, and I couldn’t write anything next to the sketch because it just felt so peaceful this way. 😀

Break, panic and breathe

My laptop has been acting crazy since yesterday post some stupid software update that has been running since yesterday night! 😦

Because of which I have been away from my blog and haven’t been able to reply to all the comments and the mails.

Additionally the WordPress app keeps crashing for no bloody reason! And my phone zonks out for fun at indefinite intervals!

Looks like all the electronic devices are up in protest!! 😥

Plus I have also been blessed with immense workload since the past week which looks to make its presence felt till  the next week 😦

And the fact that I had a panic attack when I realised that my stupid short term plans are no where close to coming true, pray for a miracle is all that I can do!!!

Ah! Now that I have let off some steam, I’m going to just try and breathe and take it one disaster at a time…

Hoping that my electronic devices have a speedy recovery! 😦