Scribble

Okay, to hell with it.

I was going to write something sensible. Pour out sufi thoughts over here in line with a heartbreaking mail that I wrote today morning. But honestly I’m tired.

Why is love tiring?

Why can’t we just automatically find our ‘soul mate’ or whoever it is that we are supposed to live with for eternity?

Why do the people you love turn out to be wrong for you?

Born in a different century, Married, Commitment phobics, In a different state of mind or perfect?

More than half the people I know are heartbroken, the other half are love sick. We all have our own issues with love, at times we don’t find our match, sometimes we do but we are scared in our own weird way and drive people away, sometimes our not so better halves run away, infatuations are mistaken for love and at times we just don’t want to.

I’ve been holed up every weekend at home with myself, sure I day dream about falling head over heels in love most of the time but I’m scared. Petrified of putting in that effort, going out on dates, finding people to date, talking on the phone and getting involved in general, new dreams with them making a regular appearance.

Hence, I have decided to not look/search/seek love, if it wants to find me, it would have to pull me out of the pile of blankets that I’m under and convince me to fall back in the trap.

And to those who have given up, its okay to not want to look at the world around in love tinted glasses, its okay to not want to believe in the book romance and its okay to leave matters to fate.

But to all of those who still have their hopes up, may you find the strength to love and not stop seeking for it, may you cage your heart behind steel enclosures and not get hurt. May you find what you are look for.

Because what you seek, is seeking you..

Bruise

The life cycle of a bruise.

It starts off being black blue purple, black clouds overhead, suffering with the blues, purple stains, welled up eyes and a lump in your throat. With time, the swelling decreases, instead of a stab, there stays a dull throbbing ache, the human shape void left behind. You try an ice pack, let the bruise heal. Love yourself more, build your space, by bricks and in bits. After a while all that remains is a memory, of the warm sun on a cold afternoon, crumpled bed sheets, moans that died a thousand deaths on the tip of your tongue, a flicker of light, a scar.

Today I realize that it is never a competition of who hurts more, whose pain is superior, more heart wrenching, gut crushing.  True that we fall, face first, bruised hearts, deflated egos and punctured souls. But the both of us fall.

After all these years, to the ones who broke my heart, I wish you well. I want you to do more, be more, honestly enough. It takes heart to forgive, and I still may not be able to do it completely, hand to heart. That you fulfill your dreams, fall in love cause it really is beautiful, travel the world, reach the stars and move mountains.

Let Me Go

Let Me Go

Love as much mends, breaks.

Breaks hearts, habits, fills cracks, and creates more, hurricane of happiness and cyclone of sadness.

We could sit and fight on whose fault it was that things ended,

Mine, Yours or Circumstances?

 

Let Me Go

For I have learnt many a lesson, broken trust, shards of glass that still manage to hurt,

And so I have learnt to breathe, again. To take one day at a time.

That time will never heal wounds, you learn to live with the pain,

Until it becomes a part of you, nestled right under your skin.

 

Let Me Go

And despite what has happened, I still love you,

Some part of me, in some corner of my heart.

But in a different way, one I can’t explain.

You see, love can’t just be stopped,

Like energy, it can neither be created nor destroyed, all it does is take another form.

 

Let Me Go

I feel like I’m not the same person I knew a year ago,

All changed, yet the same,

Like one day I woke up and remembered you, us as two people in a separate lifetime.

 

Let Me Go

Sleepless nights, tear stained pillows and cheeks,

All in 23 years, I have cried maybe a handful times, such was my strength.

This time something broke, and here I was alone, grappling in a flood of emotions,

On the surface, to this day no matter how bad the pain, I manage a smile.

It’s strange that I miss the sound of my laugh, that loud carefree one.

 

Let Me Go

Funny thing sadness is, it makes you kinder,

Capable of listening to others, truly listening to their problems.

Forces you to feel, unlock that Pandora’s Box,

Enough of being an escape artist, it coaxes.

 

Let Me Go

With you some part of me got lost, broke, withered and died,

Even after the lies, indifference, hurt,

Maybe the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Wall

I lay on the bed, and stare at the dilapidated wall, parts of the paint scrape, fall and bleed.
A myriad of craters, cracks and colors.

Fading pinks, concrete, dirty green moss and the burnt red bricks.

Strangely it reminds me of you, of how we were. Like a fresh coat of glistening paint, it brought out the best in us. Sparkling eyes brimming with dreams, the madness of love, a heart filled with the hope of new beginnings.

With time, the novelty wore off, life tends to do that.
New mountains to scale, pretty faces and a hundred roads to explore.

Insecurities and desire seeped in, with the occasional bout of jealousy and a twang of regret. Water had done its damage on the wall, parts of it peeled, exposing the hard cement underneath and an unwarranted growth of moss.

Do you recollect that day?
Remember how when I asked you if we should try and mend it, you  brushed away my concerns.
The wall is strong enough to withstand a few tragedies and it is just a wall, you scowled, gritting your teeth.

You see my love, like the peeling paint, I knew you had gone. Albeit not completely, one painful step after another, away from me.

As you left, I asked you one last time, was there anything that we could do to save us, a fresh coat of paint maybe?
All you did was pound your fist on the wall, and complain that no amount of paint could make up for the troubled surface.

Here I am, staring at the wall, again.
Makes me appreciate the wonder of ruins, scars, stories and the secret maps to one’s heart.

Will you?

Will you wait for the silence to break?

Will you stay till the heart stops to ache?

Will you give me your warm arms on cold nights?

Will you sail with me even when it isn’t sunny and bright?

Will you still be there knowing that there is no light,

When all I can give you, is darkness to fight,

Will you dance with my demons?