It’s past midnight, I’m under the siege of a thousand thoughts and here is where I pin it down.
You know that one kind of deep intense love that transcends boundaries, gracefully clearing and jumping through loops and hurdles like a gymnast?
Yeah, that does not exist.
No matter how many times you tell yourself, there are some things that just can’t be forgiven. You may love them more than words can even begin to describe some things pull you back. Words even if not intended to mean one episode, magically transforms into that one reminder of an ugly incident.
Which makes me wonder, are things better when left alone, maybe fixing or rather trying to get back to what you were just tampers the lovely memory of a time once gone by. What has sailed past is already a memory to cherish, protected and that isn’t going to rust. Maybe to be in love again, you need to be that very same person at that place, is it worth running back into the past?
Also it doesn’t take much to feel like you are half in love, 5 nice words, a few laughs, wit and charm and there you are floored, especially when there is no flirting! You go zoom from stranger to Wow! Why the hell did I not meet you earlier and I wish we were dating. The harder someone tries to flirt, the greater the put off is.
And as luck would have it, I had the most amazing conversation for over 3 hours with someone I had no clue existed 5 minutes before I spoke to him. Being the technology klutz that I am, I got stuck at a place and with no help around and on the recommendation of a friend, approached this stranger a few hundred kilometres away for help. And not only did he spend a good chunk of time despite being terribly busy, infact not just did he manage to help me out but also assigned another person to finish my work for me from his team.
These rib tickling, loud laughter conversations are what I long for.
Add to this that it really doesn’t take long for impressions to reduce to dust and bury itself in the ground. In retrospect, it really makes you evaluate as to what the hell was happening all this while, were you delusional or are people really crappy at times.
There are days that I sob and mock cry on not finding someone to date, but the truth being, I don’t just want to date someone and be in a typical relationship, more like close friendship, the kind who’ll tolerate a 3 hour movie for you, long lunches and longer conversations. Someone who isn’t in it for the typical romance part of it, friendships that run deeper maybe? Or love but not the clingy, compulsive, regular garden variety.
Also why would you talk to someone with the aim of just flirting or a quick fling somewhere? There are maybe two other paths to run down, what about the intense passion or the good friends one? Wouldn’t you want to know someone’s dreams, thoughts, take a peek into the workings of their mind? Is the body all you want?
Currently all I want to do is stuff my face in ice cream, any chocolate variety would do and just be done with men, love and promises. Oh and definitely get someone to mentally kick me when I start my funny flirt routine, great ice breaker but terrible in the long run.
In some weird sense the funny flirt comes easy to me, I’m one of those women who run away from the words hot/pretty/sexy and chase after smart, confident and witty and I never feel conscious while doing the crazy routine. The practice of being able to laugh at your flaws throws away the awkwardness, and that is where my strategy of ‘win-them-over-with-your-personality-and-then-make-them-find-you-hot, comes into play.
On second, third and probably the hundredth thought already thought this week, I should swear off romantic books and movies, sometimes that is just where they belong…