Realisation

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Thoughts over the week

I bury my nose in a pillow, my legs resting atop another, I close my eyes and inhale. A tired muffled sound, of fatigue of travel that has come tumbling down. Through the streets of sri lanka, specks of sand that coat my legs, sting of salt still in the humid air, to the winding cobblestone streets in England, behind closed windows that smell of illicit affairs, to strolling down generations in Calcutta, nostalgia of a language, of a childhood that ran by, a stream of events that altered the course of many entwined lives.

Over the course of two days, I devoured 3 books, in the company of a tall glass of sweet brown chai, 6 marie biscuits, intermittent rains and a burst of glitter coloring the skies.

Oddly I feel like the words have traveled, through my fingertips and into my veins, an odd sense of calm in my heart. The promise of the pages of a book bearing the story of a library in Japan to make peace with the pile of work that the week brings.

I watched a movie last Saturday, and of the many words uttered between characters, one line struck a nerve, rather an artery that made my heart bleed, yearning for a long forgotten feeling. The protagonist describes his happiness as “dil ka pet bhar gaya“, which loosely translated meant that the heart’s stomach was full. What a strange yet accurate way of describing happiness, the feeling of contentment, of not wanting any more.

Oddly enough this got me wondering about companionship, of the feeling of content that seeps through your pores, makes you heart smile, sends your brain on a high, makes your pulse race. Offlate my phone has been buzzing with messages, some etch a punctual good morning, others indulge in flattery, words strung like a delicate string of pearls, of brash inquiries of weekend plans, of resorting to reason for a yes.

I have realised, been painfully aware of it for a while that I bear no affection for a skin, dressed in expensive clothes, doused in aftershave and perfume, of a collage of words from movies and books, of the need to replicate the usual romantic gestures.

What lies beneath that carefully embroidered mask and the instant noodles philosophy that you are so quick to dish out, of the things you think when you are alone, of the thoughts that haunt you, of the talisman that you live by. What drives you, stops you, makes you smile, brings tears to your eyes, crack into laughter or descend into silence.

There are days like today when I do not feel the need of someone else, when I’m mindful of the fact that I have nothing to give in return for someone else’s time. When I can feel the gears that keep the clock of this world running slow down, my heartbeat sink to a low whimper.

When solitude no longer means being alone.

Perspective

You squint your eyes to look ahead, long winding road, black shining tar, sweltering heat. And then you turn back, look at the miles that you’ve covered. Half wondering how you reached where you reached, you can’t see the pit stops, all a daze, the sky and earth blend, grey and bright.

But you keep walking, running, in a make-believe race. Your bones hurt, your soul questions, but you never wake up. And then you think of how would it be if you quit. Just walked off that road and sat down on the sidewalk, refusing and bobbing your head no, to all questions asked.

But there is no side walk, so you walk, fatigue ripping apart all your dreams and hope.

Have faith, breathe. Sometimes that is all we can do. I have often wondered where and how do people end up and the past few years have taught me that sometimes you have to believe that there are things written for you, fate, destiny or position of stars. Sometimes circumstances take the decisions that we are too scared to make, that carry the burden of being indecisive.

You don’t need to climb any mountain to enjoy the view, to reap the fruits of your hard work, to put in 30 years of numbness to watch your account balance swell.

Stay. Still, calm. Let your lungs breathe. Smile, as often as you can. And look up.

Out of all the lives you could live, as what you could be born, you’re here. Of all the inhabitable universes, here you are on Earth, with a blue sky above your head, with a heart that pumps blood relentlessly never giving up hope on you. So that you don’t.

For those reading this, its easy to quit, its easy to concentrate and read all that is wrong, its easy to run on the well trodden road. You aren’t here to do all that others have done earlier, chart your own course, satisfy your desires, do what you want, wish others well, from your heart, take a learning from everyday and thank someone, anyone, give a hand to pull someone who needs it, give a shoulder to lean on, sometimes all that any of us want to

Footprints

I sit here wondering of all the places I’ve walked, roamed and wandered in search of you. Sometimes a fervent prayer, daydreaming of you, at times a wish upon a star, in a blur of tears or in a daze of happiness.

I’ve left clues, breadcrumbs along the way, asked questions, looked out for neon signs with a hundred bulbs, but you manage to dodge me. In new people, places and experiences, I wonder if you’d tap my shoulder and call me out. Lend me your hand and pull me out of this maze.

I think of how easy you come to some, some bump into you unknowingly, at times others don’t realise your absence and then there are ones like me who are eternally seeking out for you.

When will our paths ever cross?

Clarity – Over the clouds

In the last post I had posed a question, one that had many answers. Some said a hard yes, others a feeble no, and a meek maybe.
Well last week, I had gone for a training to another city and what did happen there gave me the time to think, actually take a walk, feel the wind caress my skin and let all the thoughts settle into an organised chaos.
For all 3 days I woke up with a pit in my stomach, half nauseous of the incredibly long day that lay ahead. And I did cry too, wailed like a two year old just cause I wanted to cry amidst all that confusion.
But one thing that did turn around was the clarity of my thoughts, realizing that most things in life boil down to a single choice, yes or no, and its consequences whatever that they may be. I met people whom I last spoke to donkey years ago, had a merry time with the food, rains and music. Also managed to catch a stand-up comedy show last sunday, something that I wanted to do for long.
So this is it maybe, my decision that hit me when I was in tears during a telephone call, just over whelmed with all had happened and was happening, I decided to stay. Till the time I no longer can fight.
So let this be a challenge, let it push me to the extent that it can, let me make more opportunities to learn and grow and trip and fall. Cause sometimes you need a push and learn from experiences.

As much as I would want comfort and long nights with nothing to do, sheepishly I admit that I like the rush of finding something new, the uncomfortable itch of not knowing.
I had a long talk with someone wiser beyond years who made me realise that its okay to feel that you aren’t good at something, no one automatically is good at things, skill sets get built, but the moment you start feeling that your job is easy, easier to get through, and monotonous that is when you should listen to the sirens but not when you have to put a fight everyday.
And here I am, 6 months wiser maybe, stronger than what I was, I’m sure the ride isn’t going to be easy but all I can do is grind my teeth, clutch the handlebars, and not get off the roller-coaster.
I’m immensely grateful for the advice that I’ve received on this blog, of the support and the mails and texts. This couldn’t be done without all of you, my own set of guardian angels.
And the fact that I met an incredibly handsome man on a pool ride two days ago, with the perfect smile and the pause when he spoke, the depth in his voice, the calmness of his expressions, his mid conversation laugh, the checkered sweater he wore, all terribly heartbreaking. Helped me get perspective on the much needed important things in life 😉

Questions

Have you ever questioned everything that you do/ have done?

Off-late I’ve been having this sneaky feeling, I have this tiny voice inside of me that has been screaming at me that I’m probably not great at what I do. The thing being that being good enough has never just sufficed for me.

Since childhood I’ve learnt that practice makes one perfect, hence whenever and where ever I managed to get stuck, I’d put my heart in it and practice. And because I’ve had pretty less experience work wise and most of what I did till now is study, this system worked wonders.

Almost 6 months into this field of work and I can see my confidence wilt and wither away. Every assignment is different, and with each of them, I’m barely managing to keep my head above the water or whatever it is supposed to be.

I like the field, its interesting, challenging but maybe I’m not cut out for it. Like the time you know something is great but its maybe not just yet meant for you.

In the effort to keep trying, I’m getting burned out. From putting in long hours (really really long ones) to talking about different techniques with others, trying to learn the various aspects of things, I’m falling in this pit of unhappiness.

The point that eats me up from within is that I want to be good at what I do, no not just good, great. If I am putting in all this time and effort, then it should be for something worthy, right? Some universal input – output law.

Pushing myself this hard has left me with absolutely no time, and if that isn’t the case then the lack of energy/motivation to do something else. To try and have a life outside and beyond work, to not constantly be in my head.

I’ve spoken to people about this, of shifting lanes into pursuing something else in the creative field or really building my skills in terms of what comes easier to me and that I feel is my inherent quality (communication/writing?). On the other spectrum is the crowd that say that I should stay, for learning ropes of this business atleast a year would make it count. Six more months seem far too long, but I honestly don’t know what to do.

Slightly at my wits end, I haven’t really got any feedback as such on my work, so do I take that and then decide where it is that I’m headed or just make a mad run out of this for whatever it is that I supposedly maybe headed for?

With all the doubting and second guessing and multiple time checking of what it is that I do, I have managed to stress myself really badly. Have a swarm of negative thoughts on what if situations. And hence I’ve been listening to positive thinking videos on a loop.

Frankly speaking, I’m terrified deep within. The not knowing thing is scary. Will I be stuck doing something that I’m not good at? Am I running out of time to make that choice? Do I stay or go? and if I do run, run to what?