Have you ever questioned everything that you do/ have done?
Off-late I’ve been having this sneaky feeling, I have this tiny voice inside of me that has been screaming at me that I’m probably not great at what I do. The thing being that being good enough has never just sufficed for me.
Since childhood I’ve learnt that practice makes one perfect, hence whenever and where ever I managed to get stuck, I’d put my heart in it and practice. And because I’ve had pretty less experience work wise and most of what I did till now is study, this system worked wonders.
Almost 6 months into this field of work and I can see my confidence wilt and wither away. Every assignment is different, and with each of them, I’m barely managing to keep my head above the water or whatever it is supposed to be.
I like the field, its interesting, challenging but maybe I’m not cut out for it. Like the time you know something is great but its maybe not just yet meant for you.
In the effort to keep trying, I’m getting burned out. From putting in long hours (really really long ones) to talking about different techniques with others, trying to learn the various aspects of things, I’m falling in this pit of unhappiness.
The point that eats me up from within is that I want to be good at what I do, no not just good, great. If I am putting in all this time and effort, then it should be for something worthy, right? Some universal input – output law.
Pushing myself this hard has left me with absolutely no time, and if that isn’t the case then the lack of energy/motivation to do something else. To try and have a life outside and beyond work, to not constantly be in my head.
I’ve spoken to people about this, of shifting lanes into pursuing something else in the creative field or really building my skills in terms of what comes easier to me and that I feel is my inherent quality (communication/writing?). On the other spectrum is the crowd that say that I should stay, for learning ropes of this business atleast a year would make it count. Six more months seem far too long, but I honestly don’t know what to do.
Slightly at my wits end, I haven’t really got any feedback as such on my work, so do I take that and then decide where it is that I’m headed or just make a mad run out of this for whatever it is that I supposedly maybe headed for?
With all the doubting and second guessing and multiple time checking of what it is that I do, I have managed to stress myself really badly. Have a swarm of negative thoughts on what if situations. And hence I’ve been listening to positive thinking videos on a loop.
Frankly speaking, I’m terrified deep within. The not knowing thing is scary. Will I be stuck doing something that I’m not good at? Am I running out of time to make that choice? Do I stay or go? and if I do run, run to what?