This is me going off on a late night babbling spree, proceed at your own risk.
I’m one of those girls who firmly believe that you can’t stay friendly with an ex, too many memories, plus the risk that some feelings may have never died and you definitely don’t want to be ambushed by them. Additionally it’s slightly painful to listen to their love stories with someone else, that realization that you’ve been replaced and I’m an over competitive person who goes by the notion that in every break up, there is one party that wins and the other that sulks and stays miserable (cue my entry).
A while back though, pushed and prodded by the ex, I tried to stay in touch with the penultimate ex, for the sake of convenience let’s call him Y. Now as all my relationships go, wherein out of four, I’ve been cheated on thrice and I really hope the third time does the trick and I no more have to deal with this ordeal again. Anyhow back to the point, I and Y had it bad, petty fights and stupid insults for a year and then I put my foot down, sure the both of us were mature enough to manage a cordial conversation at the least.
And from that instant it got better, we have a typical no expectations from each other working, talk only if we want to, also talk about what went wrong, with me going back to calling him names, and he accepting his mistakes and pulling my leg too in that process, things have never been better.
Similarly with the first boyfriend, though he is in a separate continent right now, we have pretty much managed to turn into familiar strangers. An occasional hello email, or wishing each other on birthdays to not clamming/cringing on the mention of the few memories we made, though I do have to state that I steer clear of the songs that he would always sing when we were together, still jump channels and skip those particular songs. I did make the effort though of sitting through them once but it wasn’t just worth it, plus never appealed to my music sense.
With the one that happened between the first ever and Y, things have been slightly weird. We don’t talk to each other regularly and I can’t remember when his birthday is for the love of god but he manages to wish me every year and sends me on a guilt trip. And there is the resolution daze that happens come December where you promise to be the better person and forgive and forget, hence we promise to stay in touch but as soon as the calendar hits January, all of it goes into the trash.
But the major reason of why I’ve come to write my thoughts on the internet, is him.
As pathetic as it may sound, I want to be friends with this guy, for a lot of reasons he was good for me. Kept me in my head, calmed me down, and for pure selfish reasons though I’d definitely be hurting but his presence is very stabilizing, that came off wrong but you get it right? That general feeling when you have a bad day at work but as soon as you enter the lane where you live, all of it peels away, knowing that you can sulk and brood and lick your wounds and recover to fight another day.
Much to the disappointment of everyone out here who has read me crib about this for almost a year and a half, I called him yesterday, and he didn’t take the call. Though he did send me a text that accused me of calling him at times when I knew that he’d be asleep, questioning me what purpose my calls did serve.
Here’s the thing, not everything has to serve a purpose. Sometimes you want to have to do something just for the heck of it, no meaning attached. And what is the big deal in having a I-won’t-strangle-you-to-death-and-let’s-be-familiar-strangers kind of a relationship with someone?!
I’m terribly bad at being a friend which makes me the ideal candidate for such a relationship!
I don’t text or call my friends obsessively, no hello messages, if there was a favour to ask or just a one off conversation that I feel like having, I call! It’s pretty cheap and there is no stupid slack in the conversation, you could always camouflage the silence or awkward pauses with a lame I just remembered I have something to do excuse and needn’t call them back till you don’t feel like. Texting leaves behind documentary proof, and well who remembers the tiny details of every telephone conversation?
The point of this post is to pose a question, with the X being an unknown, does adding another variable Why help? Do we just let things be in the past or extend an olive branch?
Or follow the age old ex rule – Neither forgotten nor forgiven.