Second Chances and Midnight Ramblings

Well its past midnight here, Indian standard Time and I’m rambling mindlessly on the internet, yet again, while all that I’m supposed to do is to sleep since I have a class at 6.30 tomorrow morning.

But then I decided to use my cloak of anonymity to profess my intense liking (not as anonymous as most of you would have found out by now, damn, need to change those settings), maybe because I’m too coward to do anything about it, or maybe because things are meant to be this way.

On second thoughts, I should probably rename my blog to ‘Ramblings of a non-existent love life’.

There are people whom you look at, and go, ‘Oh! He’s hot!’ and then there are others for whom you can endlessly pine and brood over. Over the past 8 years. And here’s my story, of how I prefer writing about him in blogs, but never talk to him about it, or for that reason, talk to him.

We spoke to each other yesterday, and he was drunk, as in not the I-don’t-know-what-I’m-talking drunk, but maybe the general happy drunk (if such sort of a thing exists). And as I type this, I can recollect our conversation with amazing clarity and still manage to laugh and sigh over his unmistakable tamil accent and the song that he sang.

The thing is that he is my best friend’s best friend, and we don’t talk, well to be fair, we have had two drunk conversations (one’s where he was drunk, and yapped and yapped while all I did was listen, giggle and try to make conversation).

I have no idea why I like him, so much, isn’t 8 years a time period too long to have a crush on someone? Plus I have also been in relationships, but he is there in the back of my head, always, somewhere.

Just sometimes you find that person who is close to perfect, and to be fair, you should take your chances while you still have them. I know for a fact that he is dating someone, and yesterday when he told me that we probably should talk to each other during the times that he isn’t drunk too, my heart stopped, for a few seconds.

That was when realisation struck me, I have had plenty of opportunities to talk to him, but I did nothing about it, just to know that I like him maybe is enough for me, than to take the risk of actually getting to know someone whom I have fancied for years, ultimately to try and ask him out and to be put down (a very kind phrase for being rejected) scares me.

Yeah, I sound pathetic right now, but maybe I lost my second chance. I knew that he liked another girl for a long time, which was excuse number one for me to keep distance, and then she dismissed his feelings when he confessed the same to her, and about a year or two later, he started dating a colleague of his, that is not an excuse but a valid reason to not think about him, to add to this, he is moving abroad for the next two years to pursue his masters.

If I were to start talking to him, this being a completely hypothetical situation, it would feel weird to talk to a guy whom I have a major crush on but who is already with someone else, that, is not a nice place to be in. Which is why when he asked me why we didn’t talk to each other at times when both of us were sane, I laughed it away. Atleast if I did blurt out that I like him a lot during one of the drunk conversations, I could always blame alcohol and poor hearing powers and cell phone reception.

Sometimes, I wish I never knew you, that way I would have another chance at you, not being your best friend’s best friend, but by being me, with the underplayed wit, not-so obvious sense of humour, and general clumsiness.

For all those out there who happen to read this piece of mindless rambling, if you have a crush, be it in the past, present, or present continuous tense, the wiser thing would be to man/woman up about it and let them know how you feel.

Maybe the feelings won’t be reciprocated and you will feel like you have made a complete mess of things, but that is way better than to think about all the what if’s and keep those emotions pent up, and write about them at midnight like me.

And if it turns out to be all rosy, then you will know what love feels like.

Second chances are rare, use them up when you can, because miracles have an expiration date too.

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78 thoughts on “Second Chances and Midnight Ramblings

  1. I don’t think it’s reached the expiration date in your case 🙂
    I have had a massive crush on someone for about 5ish years now. The problem is I’m the only consistent female figure in his life besides his mom. Unfortunately for me, he’s next to perfection which he uses as an advantage for his many, many, many flings. I’m the girl, the girlfriend is always suspicious about and she has good reason to be too! I didn’t want to wreck our friendship so I stayed mute. He’s now in a meaningful relationship and he’s changed his old ways. Recently he confessed that he’s always liked me but never acted upon it because he didn’t want to wreck our friendship if I wasn’t on the same page. Sometimes you just have to take the plunge. It may be scary but the regret you have to live with otherwise is what you should really be worried about.

    • The thing here is that all that I know about the guy is through my friend. And we do know each other, like distant acquaintances, were in the same class and then nothing else about us is on the same page.. add to that he is already committed and though I do like him, I have to acknowledge the fact that I have been in a very bad breakup, one that was caused when a third person meddled in, knowing that two people were in a relationship, and I don’t want to be that person.

      Maybe some day if it doesn’t work out, then will have a go at it, and I’m not particularly fervently praying that they don’t stay together, it’s just that he is happy where he is and I’m okay with having these once in a blue regrets..

      Your guy sounds like an ass, but you are waaay better off without him, maybe we will find our mcDreamys after all 😀

  2. There’s this guy that I like for about four years. He was perfect in the literal sense of the word. Funny, hot, interesting, and he certainly was charming! Unfortunately, he liked my best friend and she was way hotter than me. Being the person I am, I asked her to go out with him. But then after they had gone out and broken up, I told him I’ve liked him forever and that id love it if he reprociated the feeling even a bit. He didn’t. And yes, I was hurt like hell and everything, I think it was for the best. Even today, when he’s there in front of of me, I have this pang in my stomach. He’s a playboy kinda person now. But the one thing I can say and that holds true I’d read somewhere: Your first love is not the one who loved you back, but the one who broke your heart.

    • Well to be fair, i’ve had my more than my quota of heartbreaks, well the guy sounded like an idiot anyway, and who chooses someone purely on looks?! Sheesh, but then teenage hormones..

      I don’t talk to this guy, he isn’t my friend, merely an acquaintance, a distant one at that and to know that he is dating yet rattling off about my feelings isn’t something that I want to do…

  3. There are no expiration dates in matters of the heart, at least if both parties have an interest. I had a mad crush on this girl who worked at a coffee shop once. I didn’t like the food there, but I would always go there just to see her. I waited too long to ask her our and one day she disappeared. Gone. Poof. She no longer worked there. So, I had given up. A few years later, maybe 5 or 6 years. I returned there again. She was back. Now we have 3 children together.

    • This made me smile! 🙂

      Maybe someday when he isn’t committed, I’ll probably woman up, try and be his friend and then check if I still like him upclose, not just the googly eyed distant version of him that I have in my head..

  4. Exactly. Living in what if’s will not take us anywhere. I have gone so confident in my crush matter ,who happens to be a global celebrity that I somehow managed to reach him and pour out all of my feelings. Plainly, clearly. However, it’s an altogether different story that I didn’t get my dream response 😦
    But taking the plunge, makes me happy.

    • Ouch.
      Global celebrity?! :O
      You must write a post about how you declared your love though 🙂

      I want to take the plunge, but not with him this way, in a committed relationship plus it would freak anyone out of someone you don’t talk to suddenly professes their love for you, it can’t get weirder than this..

  5. Before I met my ex, there was this guy- we were the best of friends, and I was in love with him, but never said anything because of low self esteem issues – I was extremely skinny (read malnutritioned) and bordering on ugly (he wasn’t particularly good looking either). He would fall in and out of love with pretty women in office, court them for a while and the be rejected. He’d come back to me, crying. I was his shoulder for many, many years. Then one day, I decided to tell him. He said he didn’t “feel that way” about me, and just thought of me as a close friend.

    I was crestfallen. I was the first person he called in the morning, and the last one he spoke to before he fell asleep. When we fought, he would take a Haryana roadways bus to come from Gurgaon to meet me and apologize in person. He cried if I stopped taking his calls. And yet here he was, telling me he didn’t really “love” me, so I decided to teach him a lesson. I told him that there was no point to our “friendship” because I didn’t think of him as a friend, and it was painful to be around him. So it was going to be all or nothing. He chose “nothing”. 🙂

    A few months later, I consciously got into a “no strings attached” relationship with the ex. And then he came back into my life, groveling, wanting to be taken back. But I had already found (what I thought was) true love. This guy and I speak once in a while, and he is married to a wonderful girl.

    Moral of the story: Life is only as complicated as we make it. Just go and spend a little time with him. It’ll either work out or not – either way, you’ll know for sure where this is headed. Otherwise, you’ll keep pining away and romanticizing. No point it that, girl!

    Good luck.

    • Thank you 🙂
      Just that it isn’t possible now, since he is shifting abroad, and is in a committed relationship plus I’m running around with the pain of too many failed relationships and just want to stay by my own for a while, I don’t want someone out of need but want them out of choice..
      In some parallel universe or another time when he is single, and we turn friends, will see how it works out 🙂

  6. Second chances are rare. Yes, they must be used when they do arrive! And then, in matters such as this, it might be risky to let destiny rule without doing anything to at least speed up or intervene in the process. Know what I mean? 😉

    • 😀
      I know that sometimes you need to take the plunge, tell destiny to wait around the corner and try and push things through… it somehow doesn’t feel right though, I can pine about him all I want but talking to him with this intention when he is already committed is not what I want to do.. I know how it feels since my previous relationship broke off because of another meddler..

  7. I was in love with the best man in the world about 27 years ago. He was the best friend of my boyfriend, who had died from a car accident, and he looked after me in the months that followed my boyfriend’s death. We were friends for several years and I became so in love with him that when he was around I was so stupid that I almost forgot how to breathe. I didn’t know he felt the same way about me but was too shy and afraid to lose our friendship by taking that risk to go further. We both were shy and afraid. 27 years later I find out that I was the love of his life, the “one that got away” and he finds out that he was the same for me. I encourage you to talk to him on a random Tuesday evening or sometime when he is not drinking. Start those normal conversations. See what happens. Take this advice from a woman who wishes she had done something to take that risk so many years ago. You can get over being hurt if it doesn’t work out but at least you will know. It is worth the risk. IT IS the wise thing to do, it really is, just as you say. Watch Brene Brown’s Ted Talks on vulnerability to give you courage and DO IT! (Then tell us how it goes! We are all with you in hope!)

    • Thank you 🙂 It is really sweet of you to share your story, maybe I will have that casual conversation, someday, after my exams and after I sort out my existing mess… but rest assured, I will try and have that casual conversation 🙂
      thank you 🙂

  8. It’s never wrong to be true to yourself. If a relationship was meant to be, it will develop. If you become someone you’re not to make a relationship develop, both you and the relationship will suffer from the experience. There are many “right” people; there are many more “wrong” people. Choose wisely and reap the benefits. Good luck.

  9. “…be it in the past, present, or present continuous tense…” Ahh, ain’t that the truth?

    I love your writing style and the not-so-obvious sense of humor that you mentioned comes across really well. I’m glad I stumbled upon your blog. I’m looking forward to digging into the archives and reading more 🙂

    • Well life also throws you off track once in a while, you know that phase where you don’t want anyone else in your life cause your priorities have changed and things take a tectonic shift? I think I’m in the midst of something similar 🙂
      Great to be back, missed your advice! 🙂

      • I see that I have different thoughts today on Your post and sharings.

        First of all, it is VERY seldom that ‘life’ throws You off track; a tsunami might be an example. For ALL the rest of the time, We delight in throwing ourselves off the track. My stepping off a train while it was doing 30 kmph is an example!

        To want ‘Just that someone’ in Your life is NOT love. It is a Crush, as You have rightly named it. And, since You have talked of Advice too, here it is: Put Yourself at a distance of about a 1000 miles from one who: 1. Seems to be a Habitual Drunk, 2. Likes someone else, and what not.

        This WILL pain You. But again, Believe You me, the PAIN that You would go through ‘hitched’ to him would be a 100 times more.

        Love and All the Best.

      • I do understand the part about sitting in peace and connecting with one’s self, but my major problem being that I’m very dependent on people, something that has medically affected me too, will write about that someday but I just want to cease attachment and the bereavement that follows..

      • Just shows you have Not read my posts. your choice. In GAD, it NOT about connecting with the ‘self’ AT ALL.

        In my sytstem, I am Not advocating withdrawal from People. But Our relationships should be Healthy too. Just because We are Thirsty, Would We dare to drink a glass of water from a wayside hotel?

        Regards.

      • I understand GAD, apart from finding general peace with people and myself, I want to disconnect from others, cause of a few health problems that I’m facing and all of this is connected. Its a long long story.

  10. Agreed, lovely advise, miracles have a expiration date too… after all the rejection is better than the thought of what could have been… nicely writer wise advise though this story..nice presentation too

  11. Feel your dilemma but have no word to offer. So many have advised you to jump right in and you have given reasons why you feel you cannot.
    Ultimately you need to listen to your heart.
    Hope you find the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can and gain wisdom to know the difference.
    Best in your quest .. may true love come your way soon 🙂

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