It rains, sometimes on the outside and many a time on the insides. A defeated cry lost amidst the loud lashing of the water on the panes and the angry growling of the clouds.

They say that a good sleep is probably the cure to anything, so I tried it out.

Most of the day I try to study/read or take a nap, the more that I consciously try to run away from his thoughts, the more I get pulled into them.

I feel now like I don’t know him, at all. There was a time when I could sense what he is thinking or how it is that he feels by just listening to him breathe, it was that sort of insight that I had.

Now he feels different, like a stranger.

One whom I can’t read.

Yesterday night I sat up for hours thinking all about the past two years and it felt unreal, like I was looking at things happening to someone else. That all this could definitely not happen to me.

And I’m not angry, not sad, I just feel nothing. Empty. Hollow.

He apologised yesterday via a text, I read it a hundred times but could feel nothing, still feel nothing. For all that it is worth I have no grudge against him, I don’t hate him nor do I dread ever meeting him.

The time that we spent together taught me a lot, both good and bad. I used to call him gyaan baba, because of his habit of advising me about how to go about in life, how to try be a better person, to be less resentful and angry. When we stopped talking to each other, it wasn’t the romantic conversations that I missed, I terribly craved for these bits of advice.

They say that our experiences make us who we are, all of us are maybe a bit broken, bruised, battered, lost, lorn.

But, I truly hope that we never stop being, just a bunch of hopeful heartbeats.


107 thoughts on “Sleep

      • I have not been in the shoes of a liar…but close enough to one to ask that same question: why lie? The answer is complicated..1)they feel guilty and the lie lets them not face the consequences….almost like a mental procastination… they don’t want to feel bad about themselves right now. 2) The clandestine act itself is the ‘magic’ in the hidden relationship…the thrill of it will be lost if they were honest upfront. 3) they dont know where the relationship is going ….they are in the gray area and therefore it’s technically considered not “lying/cheating”.
        Basically , the liars lack integrity. The liar has low self-esteem and feels good pursued by two women or desperately wanted by a woman. The paradox I have seen is that these liars usually appear wise and say all the right things…..hiding there low self-esteem even from themselves….Now that I write all this…I’m rethinking what i said…Maybe people don’t change…we discover parts of them they never even knew existed.

  1. The best we can take away from sad endings/experiences is what we earned because when things go well, we learn little. It’s the negative experiences that teach us the most.

    • The problem here is over population, some states face an extreme pressure from the neighbouring states and villages because people come to make it big in the city, with all those starry dreams.
      Unfortunately just the sheer largeness of the situation eats you up, and the city craps you out, just like that.

      There are so many such homeless people out there, some have been given govt. housing but they sell them/ rent them out and live on the streets and send whatever money that they have got, back to their village. Their only hope being that all this struggle to save money will give them and their children a good life in the villages..

  2. I wish you all the best with your healing, my friend ❤️ If it’s any consolation, the strong emotions you’ve been feeling are really colouring your writing richly and making it beautiful. For example, the part where you said: “I used to be able to tell how he was feeling just by listening to him breathe…” That part hit me in the chest! 🙂

    I’m glad you don’t feel any grudges in your heart towards him. That’s a really positive sign and shows you are taking a mature approach to the situation. Over time, maybe one day you will even find the strength to forgive and let go completely – and gain your own peace of heart in the process. 😊 They say that anger is a way of punishing yourself for somebody else’s mistake – because after all, when we keep all this anger we only harm ourselves in the long run. 😊 If I was some kind of Gyaan Baba, I would probably say that this is just another life experience; it is has been given to you in order to encourage you to nourish some kind of quality within your soul. You have to find out which quality it’s meant to develop. Will this experience help you become stronger? Wiser? More independent? More able to forgive? Something else entirely? I don’t know what… But all life experiences are given to us to teach us something. We just have to figure out what it is we’re being taught ❤️

    May your heartbeat always be a hopeful one! Lots of love! ❤️😊

  3. Just saw the picture and it reminded me to count my blessings. Read your lines , those along with the wisdom of three decades of being reaffirm by belief that relationships are impossible to decipher and forecast. When the coud and storm recedes may you find your sunshine. Hugs and love.

  4. That was so beautifully penned! A sound sleep which can be available on the rainy streets is hard to find in the comfortable rooms when the mind is not at peace. The feeling of emptiness is inevitable when we separate from a person whom we loved so dearly as depicted by your amazing words. But I am sure you’ll find many reasons to feel complete again. Chocolates and NSP might do the trick 😉

    • Thank you 🙂
      I seem to be the poster girl for heart tragedies out here 😛

      Don’t even get me started on the NSP, spent 3.5 hours learning tax on capital gains, with no one to look at, none at all! Bloody frustrating this is, along with that it has been raining here, causing the oh-so-romantic weather effect which obviously has gone down the drain 😦

      • Haha 😀 Bhagwaan kab chappar faad ke dega, bhagwaan hi jaane 😛

        Btw how is your new workplace?
        Please tell me that you still have hope for NSP 😀

      • Haha 😀 Oh please, waise bhi dilli mai ho tum, I’m stuck at Hyderabad (shades of black is all you get to see here) 😛 You are already in a way better situation than me, whereas I sit typing my sad stories on the internet while putting on a facepack.
        Sigh! Tragedies of life! 😛

      • Racist?! Bilkul nahi, ek baar visit and talk to the janta here. I’m this close to shouting and screaming out in frustration.

        And the way chennai express does show the south goons, you will find people like that here.

        Tall and handsome toh milne se raha yahan par. Plus if you are doing CA, you find the marwari crowd, complete no no or the south village crowd who will not talk to you, no matter what.

        Apparently we are the bad girls that their mummas warned them about.

      • Oh this sounds sad. If I were in your place. I’ll try to concentrate on the biryani 😉
        Biryani is good and biryani doesn’t have moms to judge!

      • Haha 😀
        Now you made me ROFL!
        Biryani, true. I have a new love to look forward to this week, haleem with chicken 65, the third best thing after SRK that is! 😛

      • Okay, here goes the list –
        Icecream and Biryani and Butter Chicken and tandoori chicken kebab and cake and brownies and cheesy pasta – are a tie for the second spot
        3rd place of honour goes to Haleem with Chicken 65! 😀

        Sheesh why do I even try to remain anonymous! 😦

      • God ! The fierce competition at the third place ! Way to go for Haleem !
        And you were successfully anonymous until you commented on my blog and the email id revealed a little 😛

      • Jeez! 😛 😀
        I have been meaning to do something with this email id fiasco but I have zero patience of creating another email id, then keeping track of mails and most importantly remembering passwords, I remember being not able to log onto wordpress for a good month and a half when I forgot the password and then forgot the set password again wala password bhi, hopeless I am, I know 😦

  5. It took me a while to catch-up on the blogs. Sorry about it -my mind was wandering away ;-)!

    The one thing I have learned after being in love and out of it is that it teaches you to live and move on with your life. Nothing profound and nothing earth shattering- just that we live.

    Sure at times I miss a few things of a relationship initially ,but, as time passes we forget those things eventually.. That’s the fabulous thing about Human brain( or maybe I am just exceptionally forgetful).

    You will be alright! hug your self.. or I shall send you virtual ones


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