I have been seething with rage since the past few days, most of it being my doing.
Sometime early May while I was on a vacation, I fell ill and like all the times that I fall ill, I could remember only him, his memory always soothes and calms me. And in one moment of complete loss of control, I mailed him, things that I was angry about and the fact that I missed him.
He read that mail and then after 5 whole months, we spoke for hours on that day, and the next and the next too. Which is when I wondered what we were doing, were we back to being how we were or was this a friendship thing. Both of us felt that we didn’t fight for us, and that we should talk and see where it leads us to. To which I set a deadline of the month’s end, at the end of it we would evaluate and see where we stood.
For the next 3 weeks, life came to a complete circle, we were back to being how we were when he was here. We spoke, cribbed and missed each other terribly, the unending calls, kisses on the phone and I-Love-yous, we spoke about how things would span out in the future. Of how often could we meet each other and how would things be a year down the line.
He had to go out-of station for conducting a few interviews, the day that we spoke last was on Thursday, the week before last. I figured that he would be busy hence didn’t call and bug, and I stated it clearly since the beginning that he would give me a call and then we would talk, since he is busy most of the day and I didn’t want to bother.
It so happened that we didn’t talk for a week, my classes had started and I end up coming back home at around 10 and then dinner and the likes by the time I get free, it gets close to 12. Though I know that he sleeps at 9.30, I still call him hoping that the next day whenever he looks at my message, he would call back. We exchanged two texts and I replied in the end to which he didn’t reply, and I guessed that was because he was busy.
This routine of me giving him a call and he not calling back carried on 4 days. On 29th, I suddenly realised that the deadline was 2 days away, considering that the way we spoke since the last few days, I thought we would probably be giving the relationship another try. I texted him and it was close to 12 anyways, and then thought of giving him a call again.
And then I called, the phone’s line was busy.
He immediately called back within 2 minutes, I asked him whom he was talking to and it turned out to some other woman. I know who she is, a colleague of his at school, she is a divorcee with a 7 year old child. This same problem had cropped up last year before which we separated.
There are friends and then people who know you are in a relationship yet cross a line. This woman had become a good friend of his when he started working at that school last July. She was a new joinee too, from visiting his home for hours leaving her kid behind thus creating issues that the new Vice Principal was giving her opportunities in exchange for favours to meeting him on the terrace at nights, away from prying eyes and having long late night calls with him sharing her sob stories and the days that he doesn’t talk to her, She asks him to take her call and be with her silent on the other end.
This woman has migraines and kidney problems yet prefers to talk to him everyday than visit the doctor, since he is a readymade cure to her problems. And since she requests, he obliges. All of this he told me and I wanted to ask what the fuck is going on, but refrained from losing my temper since the last time that I questioned him about this, it lead to a big fight and we split. Despite knowing that he has someone in his life, she continues to meddle, singing sad ballads and painting a sorry picture for herself.
She confessed to liking him and when he told her that she should try and get more independent, she started talking of her ex husband, parents and in-laws, of how no one understands her. And that she is a suicide risk, that she has tried to commit suicide thrice earlier and that he is the only good thing in her life. So he continued to talk to her.
The last time that we spoke, 2 days earlier, I was more than sure that we would get back with each other, since all that we had spoken in the past few weeks were of how much we love and miss each other and our future. But what followed, shocked me. Admitted that I had doubt as to whether we should be together after all that had happened. He told me that we couldn’t be together, that he wasn’t relationship material and that he ultimately wanted to join a monastery. I knew of all this before too, after much thought I decided that it was indeed no point trying to continue the relationship since we wanted separate things in life and we parted on that note.
Everytime that I asked him about this woman, he brushed it off, that she was just his friend and that is all I knew. I didn’t feel bad about the relationship ending because I knew that he wanted something else from life, his peace and I wouldn’t stand in his way to achieving a life without attachments.
The next day I get a message from him in which he talks about this woman and that he is in a relationship with her, was in one since last January. I was numb, if this was the case then why didn’t he tell it to me the first day that I spoke to him in May, since I explicitly asked him about it. And he ended the message by telling me that he still loves me, and doesn’t love her in my stead. That he loves her because she is a sweet and pure-hearted person and that he can’t abandon her since she is fragile. That he told her that he wasn’t thinking about marriage but they would still continue the relationship, hence the late night calls and meetings.
And the day after, on 31st he sends me a long mail saying that this last month has given us closure and that he is over me completely. That he won’t enter into new romantic relationships with my memories.
Furious at this all I wanted to do was to question, shout and scream at him. Why lie?
All this while, every single day, he reminded and re-reminded me that he wanted to probably become a monk down the line. Yet told me that he loved me, made me feel that I was the reason that he was still attached to people. That I was the only one that he was in love with, even in the past few weeks, not once did he tell me about his new relationship. All that he told me was that she was a friend whom he helped, this line, over and over again.
For all his talk about detachment and following Buddha’s path of leaving the pleasures of the world, he keeps contradicting it and acts like a hypocrite, over and over again.
This extra helpful nature, of getting too involved with others, and then pretending like nothing is ever his doing has happened twice before. I tried to dismiss them off as one off incidents. At first it was a teenage girl, next a woman going through divorce and then this. Each time I knew that something was wrong, I chose to ignore it, but this has left me stumped.
Why is it so difficult to expect honesty from people?
This entire act of flirting, being the emotional anchor and long nonsense meetings has been going on since July, last year, and there I was, waiting for him to call since whenever I would call, he told me that he was too busy while he was actually busy with his rendezvous with her and late night sweet nothing calls.
I feel immensely foolish right now, here I am pining and waiting for him, trusting on all the lies that he has told me till date. As of now, I don’t even know if all that he has ever told me was the truth.
To the conniving hypocrite bastard that you are, and the maniac depressed suicidal case,
With all my heart all that I ever want to tell the both of you is,