Foolishness, Lies and Honesty

I have been seething with rage since the past few days, most of it being my doing.

Sometime early May while I was on a vacation, I fell ill and like all the times that I fall ill, I could remember only him, his memory always soothes and calms me. And in one moment of complete loss of control, I mailed him, things that I was angry about and the fact that I missed him.

He read that mail and then after 5 whole months, we spoke for hours on that day, and the next and the next too. Which is when I wondered what we were doing, were we back to being how we were or was this a friendship thing. Both of us felt that we didn’t fight for us, and that we should talk and see where it leads us to. To which I set a deadline of the month’s end, at the end of it we would evaluate and see where we stood.

For the next 3 weeks, life came to a complete circle, we were back to being how we were when he was here. We spoke, cribbed and missed each other terribly, the unending calls, kisses on the phone and I-Love-yous, we spoke about how things would span out in the future. Of how often could we meet each other and how would things be a year down the line.

He had to go out-of station for conducting a few interviews, the day that we spoke last was on Thursday, the week before last. I figured that he would be busy hence didn’t call and bug, and I stated it clearly since the beginning that he would give me a call and then we would talk, since he is busy most of the day and I didn’t want to bother.

It so happened that we didn’t talk for a week, my classes had started and I end up coming back home at around 10 and then dinner and the likes by the time I get free, it gets close to 12. Though I know that he sleeps at 9.30, I still call him hoping that the next day whenever he looks at my message, he would call back. We exchanged two texts and I replied in the end to which he didn’t reply, and I guessed that was because he was busy.

This routine of me giving him a call and he not calling back carried on 4 days. On 29th, I suddenly realised that the deadline was 2 days away, considering that the way we spoke since the last few days, I thought we would probably be giving the relationship another try. I texted him and it was close to 12 anyways, and then thought of giving him a call again.

And then I called, the phone’s line was busy.

He immediately called back within 2 minutes, I asked him whom he was talking to and it turned out to some other woman. I know who she is, a colleague of his at school, she is a divorcee with a 7 year old child. This same problem had cropped up last year before which we separated.

There are friends and then people who know you are in a relationship yet cross a line. This woman had become a good friend of his when he started working at that school last July. She was a new joinee too, from visiting his home for hours leaving her kid behind thus creating issues that the new Vice Principal was giving her opportunities in exchange for favours to meeting him on the terrace at nights, away from prying eyes and having long late night calls with him sharing her sob stories and the days that he doesn’t talk to her, She asks him to take her call and be with her silent on the other end.

This woman has migraines and kidney problems yet prefers to talk to him everyday than visit the doctor, since he is a readymade cure to her problems. And since she requests, he obliges. All of this he told me and I wanted to ask what the fuck is going on, but refrained from losing my temper since the last time that I questioned him about this, it lead to a big fight and we split. Despite knowing that he has someone in his life, she continues to meddle, singing sad ballads and painting a sorry picture for herself.

She confessed to liking him and when he told her that she should try and get more independent, she started talking of her ex husband, parents and in-laws, of how no one understands her. And that she is a suicide risk, that she has tried to commit suicide thrice earlier and that he is the only good thing in her life. So he continued to talk to her.

The last time that we spoke, 2 days earlier, I was more than sure that we would get back with each other, since all that we had spoken in the past few weeks were of how much we love and miss each other and our future. But what followed, shocked me. Admitted that I had doubt as to whether we should be together after all that had happened. He told me that we couldn’t be together, that he wasn’t relationship material and that he ultimately wanted to join a monastery. I knew of all this before too, after much thought I decided that it was indeed no point trying to continue the relationship since we wanted separate things in life and we parted on that note.

Everytime that I asked him about this woman, he brushed it off, that she was just his friend and that is all I knew. I didn’t feel bad about the relationship ending because I knew that he wanted something else from life, his peace and I wouldn’t stand in his way to achieving a life without attachments.

The next day I get a message from him in which he talks about this woman and that he is in a relationship with her, was in one since last January. I was numb, if this was the case then why didn’t he tell it to me the first day that I spoke to him in May, since I explicitly asked him about it. And he ended the message by telling me that he still loves me, and doesn’t love her in my stead. That he loves her because she is a sweet and pure-hearted person and that he can’t abandon her since she is fragile. That he told her that he wasn’t thinking about marriage but they would still continue the relationship, hence the late night calls and meetings.

And the day after, on 31st he sends me a long mail saying that this last month has given us closure and that he is over me completely. That he won’t enter into new romantic relationships with my memories.

Furious at this all I wanted to do was to question, shout and scream at him. Why lie?

All this while, every single day, he reminded and re-reminded me that he wanted to probably become a monk down the line. Yet told me that he loved me, made me feel that I was the reason that he was still attached to people. That I was the only one that he was in love with, even in the past few weeks, not once did he tell me about his new relationship. All that he told me was that she was a friend whom he helped, this line, over and over again.

For all his talk about detachment and following Buddha’s path of leaving the pleasures of the world, he keeps contradicting it and acts like a hypocrite, over and over again.

This extra helpful nature, of getting too involved with others, and then pretending like nothing is ever his doing has happened twice before. I tried to dismiss them off as one off incidents. At first it was a teenage girl, next a woman going through divorce and then this. Each time I knew that something was wrong, I chose to ignore it, but this has left me stumped.

Why is it so difficult to expect honesty from people?

This entire act of flirting, being the emotional anchor and long nonsense meetings has been going on since July, last year, and there I was, waiting for him to call since whenever I would call, he told me that he was too busy while he was actually busy with his rendezvous with her and late night sweet nothing calls.

I feel immensely foolish right now, here I am pining and waiting for him, trusting on all the lies that he has told me till date. As of now, I don’t even know if all that he has ever told me was the truth.

To the conniving hypocrite bastard that you are, and the maniac depressed suicidal case,

With all my heart all that I ever want to tell the both of you is,

FUCK OFF.

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50 thoughts on “Foolishness, Lies and Honesty

  1. Sounds like those two are made for each other. Please consider yourself lucky for this final lesson in life.
    I know many marriages that are ruined by such “suicidal” women and men who want to be the ‘knight in shining armor’ and it’s the children who end up suffering.

  2. Don’t feel foolish – it’s him who should be ashamed. You did nothing other than trust another human being. He should never have re-entered your life unless he had the intent of being honest and sincere. Your anger is justified, but don’t let it consume you. YOU are a wonderful person and don’t let them change that. I was wondering where you went, and now I know. I’m so sorry that this happened.

  3. Don’t worry. It is a lot of pain for you today but this would turn out to be God’s way of telling you that he was never right for you. You deserve better; and more happiness.

  4. Hello Choti,

    Your courage has won my heart. I still can’t put up anything personal on my blog. Hats off girl.

    I was like wtf till the end but then the last two words were a great relief to me. That’ how you should be.

    There is no one in this world who has not been fooled by others. Sometimes it’s parents, sometimes friends, sometimes partners or someone or the other. If you weren’t fooled, then you would never become wiser than you are. You just learnt a new lesson and I think you should happily move on. You have done your part and stayed till the end.

    Congrats on your new journey and all the best 😉

  5. Do not hold onto rage because it only poisons you. You are not foolish at all because you have a beautiful, loving and guiless heart. You got taken advantage of by someone who does not deserve that beautiful heart because he has no integrity. That is something you cannot influence or change. He has to want to change it and since it works for him not to have integrity, he has no reason to change.

    You cannot even trust what he tells you about that other woman or anything else he says. He lies for his own advantage. You gave him the grace of one more chance and he proved he did not deserve it.

    Walk away with your head held high and your hips swaying because you are beautiful and love will find you.

  6. Rage is the way to go. Let it all out and don’t stop being furious at what he did because that is when you start healing. For me, I could relate so much to this ‘suicidal woman’ story — I don’t know why people want to ruin relationships knowing the person they want to be with is already in love.
    I hope you feel better with time.

    Much love and hugs,
    -Naima

    • I just realised that I will take to having a pet snake anyday than a person. And FYI I get super creped by snakes. That is just how much I’m done with people 😛

      • Oh yeah, I am creeped out by snakes as well but I rather choose a pet snake over people too. I think it’s all about experiences but I have hope and so should you love. If there are bad experiences, there will be good too to strike a balance. After all, balance is all what life is all about (in my opinion anyway) and hey, you will get better with time (I know you must have heard a lot of it but everybody say that for a reason lol)

        -Naima

      • Yeah, that happens with me too. Everything get blurred but then when I laugh out of nowhere and seem to enjoy myself, I realize deep down that I can rise above all the pain. So don’t you worry miss, the wounds will heal with time and you will see the change yourself some day (just like you said)

        -Naima

  7. It is beyond frustrating when they leave you this way, with lies and deceit. Makes you questions everything you’ve ever had with that person. You are right in all the anger you feel. You deserve a whole lot better, definitely do.

  8. It is ok to feel angry, that is part of the healing process. But believe me one day you will feel lucky that you did not end up with this person. You deserve and will get some one better.

  9. hey girl..it is obvious to feel foolish when you give your whole heart to someone and realize its been betrayed..but Choti where would we be if we stopped trusting each other…it is his loss and he deserves that completely..hugs..

  10. The difference between once and never is the difference between good and bad. Don’t give cheaters a second chance. They don’t deserve you and honestly you deserve far better. Hope you find the strength to move past this. The rage will help you, harness it.

  11. He aint worth you, sounds like a spineless creep anyways. Honesty is virtue that is getting lost these years , let us preserve it and dont let our misfortunes erase it away. ❤

  12. Foolish should be the last feeling that should come to you. Relieved..yes! Bah! Flirty monks aren’t anyone’s favourites, that much I can tell you. Down the lane when she’s seeking emotional help from another shoulder for the bruises he created he’s going to rethink his ‘closure’. 😉 Stay strong and this may not be the time but I just nominated you for an award because your blog is simply amazing! Here you go 🙂 https://babysteps22.wordpress.com/2015/06/02/premio-dardosno-im-not-cursing-you/

  13. I totally get the ‘feeling foolish’ part and not being able to understand whether there was any ‘truth in what he used to say’ part.
    In my case there was this extremely laid back, sorry-type boy who wouldn’t have even gotten his B.Tech degree without my help with his thesis. Yet I used to love him. And that had made him take me for granted and after I came to the Netherlands he began treating me like trash. And like an idiot I had tolerated these for 4-5 months, foolishly hoping that he could change back to the old person. Around that time I had come to know that while we were ‘together’ he had taken advantage of a class-mate during a class group photo. You know, I had never felt more liberated than when I finally got over him.
    Wish you good luck 🙂

    • I never really understood it then but I do now, some people no matter how much you love them are just not good for you. That presence if makes you feel less about yourself deserves no attention, and this I have learnt the hard way..

      Afterall, you are the heroine in the movie of your life so why play second fiddle 🙂

      Hope all is good at your end 🙂

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