Well its past midnight here, Indian standard Time and I’m rambling mindlessly on the internet, yet again, while all that I’m supposed to do is to sleep since I have a class at 6.30 tomorrow morning.
But then I decided to use my cloak of anonymity to profess my intense liking (not as anonymous as most of you would have found out by now, damn, need to change those settings), maybe because I’m too coward to do anything about it, or maybe because things are meant to be this way.
On second thoughts, I should probably rename my blog to ‘Ramblings of a non-existent love life’.
There are people whom you look at, and go, ‘Oh! He’s hot!’ and then there are others for whom you can endlessly pine and brood over. Over the past 8 years. And here’s my story, of how I prefer writing about him in blogs, but never talk to him about it, or for that reason, talk to him.
We spoke to each other yesterday, and he was drunk, as in not the I-don’t-know-what-I’m-talking drunk, but maybe the general happy drunk (if such sort of a thing exists). And as I type this, I can recollect our conversation with amazing clarity and still manage to laugh and sigh over his unmistakable tamil accent and the song that he sang.
The thing is that he is my best friend’s best friend, and we don’t talk, well to be fair, we have had two drunk conversations (one’s where he was drunk, and yapped and yapped while all I did was listen, giggle and try to make conversation).
I have no idea why I like him, so much, isn’t 8 years a time period too long to have a crush on someone? Plus I have also been in relationships, but he is there in the back of my head, always, somewhere.
Just sometimes you find that person who is close to perfect, and to be fair, you should take your chances while you still have them. I know for a fact that he is dating someone, and yesterday when he told me that we probably should talk to each other during the times that he isn’t drunk too, my heart stopped, for a few seconds.
That was when realisation struck me, I have had plenty of opportunities to talk to him, but I did nothing about it, just to know that I like him maybe is enough for me, than to take the risk of actually getting to know someone whom I have fancied for years, ultimately to try and ask him out and to be put down (a very kind phrase for being rejected) scares me.
Yeah, I sound pathetic right now, but maybe I lost my second chance. I knew that he liked another girl for a long time, which was excuse number one for me to keep distance, and then she dismissed his feelings when he confessed the same to her, and about a year or two later, he started dating a colleague of his, that is not an excuse but a valid reason to not think about him, to add to this, he is moving abroad for the next two years to pursue his masters.
If I were to start talking to him, this being a completely hypothetical situation, it would feel weird to talk to a guy whom I have a major crush on but who is already with someone else, that, is not a nice place to be in. Which is why when he asked me why we didn’t talk to each other at times when both of us were sane, I laughed it away. Atleast if I did blurt out that I like him a lot during one of the drunk conversations, I could always blame alcohol and poor hearing powers and cell phone reception.
Sometimes, I wish I never knew you, that way I would have another chance at you, not being your best friend’s best friend, but by being me, with the underplayed wit, not-so obvious sense of humour, and general clumsiness.
For all those out there who happen to read this piece of mindless rambling, if you have a crush, be it in the past, present, or present continuous tense, the wiser thing would be to man/woman up about it and let them know how you feel.
Maybe the feelings won’t be reciprocated and you will feel like you have made a complete mess of things, but that is way better than to think about all the what if’s and keep those emotions pent up, and write about them at midnight like me.
And if it turns out to be all rosy, then you will know what love feels like.
Second chances are rare, use them up when you can, because miracles have an expiration date too.