There are times that you make mistakes and want to kick yourself, I did one today. After deleting all his photos, messages mails and unfriending him on facebook, I have no clue as to why I did this.
Whenever I had a bad day or felt that things were spinning out of control, that life was in a rut, all that I needed to do was meet him or talk to him. He was my sound board, my venting mechanism, my wall, my everything. Somehow I felt that as long as he was in my life, I atleast had one good thing, that all had not gone down the drain.
I was having a bad day today and as against my better judgment I searched for his facebook profile and there he was. There is not one day that I have not replayed our conversations; psycho analyzed the relationship repeatedly in my head to figure out what went wrong after all. How could the love suddenly vanish? There was no reason given to me and I can’t figure out what it means. Is this closure? Ending something without knowing what is wrong?
I have tried to keep my schedule as busy as possible; I try to physically exhaust myself as far as possible because I wasn’t able to sleep. Despite being tired all that I can do is to stare at the fan on the ceiling and just wonder what the hell happened?
It’s somehow better since the past 2 weeks considering that I have been able to sleep and avoid the red eyes, but he still pays me visits in my dreams, be it in the form of previous conversations or making new ones.
I wish I could erase my memory, mundane things trigger past moments, from songs to smells. It’s like I’m trying to escape but ultimately I get pulled in deeper like a quicksand of memories and pain.
Sometimes I wish this pain doesn’t end, it reminds me of him, of what happens when you take down your wall and let someone know you like no one else has, of why it is bad to stop being cautious and not keep distance from people, lessons that I have learnt the hard way.
How I wish this pain was a physical one, like when you scrape your knee, it hurts for a while and then heals though it leaves a mark, but still you can use a band aid or an ointment to reduce the pain whereas what I’m suffering from is a stabbing pain that is perpetual in nature, never ending, driving me to tears, triggering memories and making me suffer.