Two years, Two hours and Two envelopes

It took me two hours and two envelopes to put in two years of memories, away, maybe for good or for bad. Though those two hours were marred with a lot of crying, reading those letters reminded me of the good times, which were in abundance.

I’m still lost and confused as to why and how this happened, I always thought that maybe I’m not the kind who would be devastated when my love walks out and I’m not totally devastated apart from the consistent pain, lack of sleep and unusual bouts of tears.

I thought maybe since he was a 1500 kilometers away, it would be easy, but how wrong am I?! Earlier, I could atleast meet him to talk it out, to check if it could be salvaged in any way but now the only thing that I can do is either think about him or dream. I can’t give him a call and talk because he is difficult to talk to and meeting him is out of the question.

I do realize that I’m probably trying to increase the shelf life of a relationship that will meet its end but I can’t help but hope. My head understands but my heart doesn’t.

Today morning while I was at the post office to courier his letters and the little gifts he gave me, back to him, I had a massive panic attack, knowing that this would be the very last time that I could look at these letters. Maybe I shouldn’t have posted them, but if I didn’t then I doubt if I could ever move on since I keep reading these letters whenever I miss him or just wear his vest for a while and smell it despite the vest losing his raw body smell.

I miss him and there is no running away from this.

I tell people that I’m fine despite getting teary eyed and having a choking voice. Maybe someday this pain will go away; maybe I will finally be able to sleep, peacefully, be it for one night atleast.

In one of the letters he had written that if incase any day we did break up, I should remember that the letters were just a little glimpse of how much he loved me.

When ever did these love filled words turn bitter? I don’t know and maybe I never will..

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66 thoughts on “Two years, Two hours and Two envelopes

  1. You may not feel this right now.. but after a while(maybe a year) you would look back and feel thankful for what you had in the past even if it did not work out.

    Sounds very boring and everyone says that.. but it’s rather true.Our experiences good or bad make us who we are and shape our life. I hope you cry and let out those tears.. let the pain flow in your words as well. This is what you need to heal..

    I know this doesnt help ..no words I say will !

      • true.. being clueless is an indication of wanting to find a way. I know when my heart was broken, 4 years ago, I cried, I was angry, I wanted to see the person responsible and physically hurt him . I was depressed then and cried in bathrooms or looking at places we had spend time in like a Barista.He never wrote a single letter or gave me a single gift.. i had nothing !

        I started listening to songs like “Stronger” and “I never really loved you anyway” and “what doesnt kill me makes me strong” oh the list of feminist songs were endless. I blogged the hatred i felt and the pain. There was a time I felt like nothing was working so I saw a counselor.

        Eventually I got over it.. 4 years later.. I think he was a waste of my efforts and not worthy of me. I wish him well and I wish myself even better..

      • That is what forms a part of my hardship, yes there have been problems and fights but that never meant he was a bad guy, I don’t hate him though I can find a few faults,I still can’t get myself to dislike him, silly stupid love struck heart I have 😦

        I know this will take time and that I’m probably cribbing too much, but I just can’t help…

      • it’s hard when there are happy memories. You are not cribbing.. just let it out..you are a romantic and thats a good thing.. we already have too many cynics who love and leave without a second thought

        take your time.. and dont feel weird about venting:)

        x

  2. I am so so so sorry to hear this! 😦 But good job on cherishing and remembering the happy moments. That’s whats going to keep you going. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. I can’t begin to imagine how it must hurt, but based on your blog posts in general, I think you are strong enough to get over this. Stay strong. Love you, random Bengali internet friend. ❤ (Seriously though, what is your name? o_0)

      • Yap now when I think of you I can put a shorter name to you than “random internet Bengali friend with the blog”. Woot! But to be fair, there are probably a thousand other Bong Nisha’s. So don’t worry. Internet anonymity is preserved. 🙂
        p.s.- here, have a laugh at random internet people and mustaches. Because, why not? 🙂 *hugs*

  3. Oh.. the pain is unbearable… but it will pass. time is the best healer. But really very strong of you to put it in writing this unimaginable pain.

  4. i hope this made you feel better. Maybe these small gestures is what will eventually let you get to better head space. Until then, keep blogging, and if you want to talk, you know how to reach me
    Big hug 🙂

  5. This post speaks to the phrase “it’s better to have love and lost”, as we had discussed. It’s painful, and makes us reluctant to try again. But we do, as it’s part of the human condition. I hope that you are better now.
    Rob

  6. The outpouring of support for you is nothing short of amazing. BTW, this is where I called you Nisha and not Choti. I thought I had read someone address you by Nisha. So sorry! I hope that you are feeling much better. I have even sensed smiles from you lately. 🙂

    • Haha 😀 Yeah… well he is always in my head, that tiny little voice that chides me when I feel lazy to go to the gym or lust after a piece of chocolate! 😛

      The pain has transformed from denial to anger, and finally to acceptance..

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