Sinking

I stayed awake for most part of yesterday night, staring at the fan on the ceiling, my mind blank. I kept feeling like I was sinking, sinking in the memories that I have of you, my mind blank and my body weightless except with a heavy heart that carried you in it.

If anyone would have told me earlier that within 6 months since the day you left we would end up this way, I would laugh and tell them that they didn’t know ‘us’. They didn’t know that we loved each other or the cute texts or the long night phone conversations or the chai time or the long drives or the cuddle or the feeling or the plans that we had of visiting Delhi and playing in the snow at Kashmir, they didn’t know us.

But now that I’m here, I’m lost, lost and clueless as to how this happened to us. You were and are the love of my life and I loved you with all that I could and more, but maybe sometimes love isn’t enough.

Earlier I couldn’t wait for December, to celebrate our birthday and to look forward to the trip that you would make, to visit me. Now that December is almost here, I can’t bear to look at the calendar, I want time to go back, back to the time that you were here, to the time that we spoke to each other.

At times all that I feel when I think about you is tears that sting my eyes and a lump in my throat, I can’t about anything even remotely connected to you without breaking down into tears. Maybe you were true good to be true, maybe I made you feel stifled in love, maybe I didn’t compromise enough or maybe we aren’t meant to be together.

Yet when I think of the last two years, they haven’t been any less than a fairy tale, almost magical. Yes, there have been fights majorly because of my temper and misunderstandings but none the less magical. In the past few days all I have been cursing myself is to why I ever met you or why I let myself get carried away, why did I take down my wall and let you in my heart, why did I not know better than to realize that love was my most elaborate form of self-harm, and I have truly tried to hate you, but I couldn’t it.

An intelligent woman once told me that when a relationship ends, keep the happy and let go of the bad parts, that way years down the line when you look back you will have only a ton of happy memories.

I miss getting drenched in the rain with you or watching the head bobbing that you do or the Sundays that we spend together, how I would make up an excuse to meet you every so often, the relaxing chai time when we would just have a cup of tea and talk about the day, our extremely opposite choice in everything or how I would do laad to you and make up a million nick names.

Words wouldn’t ever do justice to what I feel for you or how much I miss you. I took out all the love letters that we sent to each other and read them, how can the words that carried so much love turn bitter? I tried to burn them all but couldn’t get myself to even mutilate them in the tiniest manner possible. Sometimes I feel all this is a bad dream and maybe I will finally wake up from it.

I keep thinking as to whether we would ever get back together because I would take you back in a heartbeat. But when I think of this, the words irreconcilable differences pop up in my head, despite making amends there are some things that I will never be okay, and getting back to you is just like extending the shelf life of a relationship which will eventually meet its end.

In all these years I have never felt such strong attraction to anyone, no one’s name has ever made my heart flutter, and no one else’s voice has sounded sweeter. I remember the first time we spoke for 5 minutes and I lost my heart to you and the day we met, somehow I knew that if there was ever some ’soulmate’ it should have been you, or atleast I was praying desperately that it would be you.

I can with all precision and clarity play in my head every moment that we spent together, the words that you said to me and I play them in my head to hide in them, to wrap those warm fuzzy moments of comfort and then the goosebumps that follow when I can almost feel your touch.

I feel like I’m still stuck at that railway station’s platform while you were boarding the train, how at once I could feel my knees go weak like my entire world being snatched away from me and how I tracked your body standing at the steps for as far as I could see.

I just wish I knew then that we wouldn’t last, maybe I would kiss ninja you once more, hug you one more time or touch you for one last time or look at you till my heart filled up, just maybe…

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46 thoughts on “Sinking

  1. Oh dear. I tried thinking of some smart advices to give but in my heart I know that time will heal your pain 🙂 may you find the love you deserve n much more in life. Just don’t hold on to something that you know was meant to end.

    Love and hugs.

  2. I have been down this road so many times, remembering how the one name brought me joy became my searing fire pain, eventually it faded though and I managed to move on, you will too surely..! sending loving hugs!

  3. Yes..to love and loose is terrible…but you do have a storeful, atleast two years, of memories. Imagine you wouldn’t have met her and never had known the magic..
    this too shall pass or something better will find you..till then, hold on to urself..

  4. Embrace the pain and don’t let it go. Cage it within your writings and then bleed blue. So when you look back, you miss the pain itself.

    Did I just bomb you with another it-will-be-okay advice? No. Did I share an experience? Yes.

  5. Hugs! I wish I could just tell you that it is just a matter of time before you start feeling better. It is.. I know that now. But that doesn’t make you feel any better, does it?
    I could relate to one too many things that you’ve written here. Even though I am at better place today than I was a few months ago, it still makes me sad to think that he is no longer part of myself. And I still remember him every now and then and sometimes it catches me completely off guard. Like today for instance.. I was driving back from work and some random song was playing on the radio and suddenly …I remembered him and our last time together..and it literally sent shivers down my spine…and I went numb. Took me a moment to compose myself and concentrate on the driving again. So more than a year later and this still happens. I dont know if this will ever change. But I do know one thing for sure. You’ll start feeling better. Think a lil less about him. Maybe start remembering the good stuff more than the bad but knowing well that it was the best thing to happen at that point of time. What the future holds, we’ll just have to wait and see 🙂

  6. it’s only fair that i impart another rock n rolla lyric. “when you want somebody to love oh you need somebody” meh screw them, plenty of love there in the world that doesn’t walk upright

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