Wonder

Sometimes I think about you,
You peep into my thoughts,
Your face a blur.

I think of the times we spent,
A hazy recollection of the past,
I wonder if we were together in another lifetime.

Sometimes I wonder why us,
For sure there must be a method to the madness,
Was it fate, luck or a string of non cohesive events.

My heart pounds loudly in my chest,
For I just thought of you right now,
Unknowingly while drifting away in my sleep,
I saw a shadow of our memory.

I don’t know if I miss you,
I don’t know if I don’t,
But I can still sense a chemical reaction.

A distant echo of your voice in my head,
My breathe picks up pace, my fingers go cold,
I feel an empty hollow spread inside of me.

But I do know that I need to get these words out,
Or else they’ll eat me up alive,
Despite all that we’ve been through,
All I want to know,
Is how are you?

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To say out loud

I feel my heart crumble in silence
Feelings drain away through my fingertips
A heavy buzz of thoughts, meandering, questioning

There are things that I feel
But don’t say out loud, cause then I’d be admitting them
Till the time they swim in a pool of confusing thoughts
Till the time I don’t acknowledge their presence

So here I sit, typing away in the middle of the night
Admitting that I’m scared,
To anyone, everyone?

That I’m lonely, terrified,
Afraid to fall on my face, again,
Shying away from new scars cause of the old,
Scared to fail, to measure up to standards,
To stay deficient

Sometimes I want to pour myself out
Pick out the insecurities and follies, filter out all that is grim

But for just tonight, let me be me,
Let me whine and crib, sob a river, lay out all that is crooked and broken,
And sleep peacefully, for a while

Pointlessness

At the very beginning of the year, two days and twenty two hours ago I pledged to myself on being positive, on not letting sadness slyly creep over my soul and grow a garden on my heart.



But today something shifted, on my way back home as I sat watching the world pass by, headphones lodged in my ears and one hand absently lodged on the seat belt, I wondered.



On the pointlessness of going to work every morning, of the one-way one and half hour of commute, of talking to people around with the aim of appearing as decent human beings, of counting all the lovers we have had and the ones who have yet to knock on the doors of our hearts, of appraisals and performance reviews.



I close my eyes and picture myself a mere four days ago, in the middle of a man-made forest in a city where even flies jostle for space. Of the cold breeze tickling my arms, of how the scent of the forest changed at five in the evening, the smell of wet mud and moss, of the leaves pouring out their scent, of tall dark green trees and tiny grass inroads, of Banyan trees that reach out to envelope you, of the view of the Ganges on my right with sunlight playing on its waters, of listening to the dry leaves crunch beneath my feet.



More often then not I find myself out of place in large air-conditioned offices with blinds that hide the movement of day from you.



I crave to lie down in a meadow, with the sun in my face and grass in my hair. Where time, that we break into minutes and box in watches and calendars, cease to make sense. Or just be, no schedule to follow nor emails to write, no one to please, to cry when I please or laugh my heart out, to sing aloud and read plenty.

Touch

There are some people whose touch you would want embedded in your skin,

Tracing fingers on your body and feel the caluses of their thumb,

Of how their breath felt against your neck and made your skin tingle,

Then there are those, whose very thought makes you shudder

Forcing you to take respite under a cold shower and pumice them off your life

 

– Midnight Musings

Aachooo!

Taken for granted.

There are lots of things we take for granted, now I could be philosophical and tell you about the people in your life that you take for granted, the non-questioning of ‘why me’ when good happens in your life or the fact that you are here, now, reading this on a screen with access to internet and electricity.

Instead, I write about what I feel like I had taken for granted all along and realised the importance of only when I don’t have the opportunity to exploit its presence.

A not runny – not stuffed – not blocked nose!

I haven’t been keeping well thanks to ENT problems, but what I miss the most right now is a fully functioning nose. The one that twitches at the strong smell of a half spilled bottle of jasmine attar, or can guess what is being made for dinner as soon as I climb the stairs, or the odd hibiscus in my kitchen garden or the act of just breathing free without scampering for tissues and otrivin.

This might sound strange but I can smell rain a day before it really thunders and showers, thanks to my nose, I’m caught at an odd without an umbrella – safety cloth over my head situation.

Now slightly drifting from today’s topic, I haven’t been writing much.. I had this irrational fear of putting my thoughts out, every teeny tiny thought and twinge of insecurity out there for the world to read, know and go hmm. I have many a times contemplated of shifting to a more anonymous blog (really shut the curtains tight and type in the dark over the faded light of a screen and odd blue glow of velvety curtains, safe to say I have the cartoon imagination of what it is being really anonymous) but then refrained. Sometimes when you don’t like the amount of light in your house, you just pull across the drapes or buy thicker curtains which is probably what I plan to do with this blog.

Lets hope that I find my sense of smell back.